Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Pictures- They talk to me

  I am drawn to all things nostalgic. I mean anything and everything from the past. I know or at least I think I'm sure that most people like to look at things from when they were little but I mean I am almost to the point of being obcessed by those things.  It was this morning when these things were somehow brought to my attention.

  Yesterday being Monday, Michael & I went to the library together. (Monday's are set aside as "Our Day") Even though neither of us work outside the home, we rarely have alot of interaction.  I think that's true for alot of couples nowdays and that's sad but we recognized this and decided to act on it and try to start correcting it.  It is my hope that those of you who happen past this and read it will also do something to correct this sad situation.

  Alright, back to Monday. They had a couple things that I had put on hold which one happened to be a book titled "Roadside Attractions" by Brian and Robin Butko. I didn't have a chance to really sit down when I got home to look at it so when I woke up this morning I took it out of my book bag and sat it on the table.  Trying to watch Dr Phil as I do every morning, I kept catching myself being drawn to the cover of the book. That's what I mean, it's as if things like that call to me. Sounds totally crazy right? How can I explain it ?  I just get so much enjoyment out of just looking at the cover. I don't even have to open it up to experience fulfillment. I know, I'm weird right?

  As I sat there watching tv and glancing back and forth at that cover it dawned on me. The pictures, those pictures are of MY past. My history. They are not just pictures to me but my memory in color. They are my thoughts of times long ago. They are a subtle hint of my parents. My dad, my mom.  They somehow take the place of my mom and dad voice telling me of the things we did, the times we had together.  I look at the pictures and it's like they talk to me.  It takes me back in the past when everything was alright.

  Nobody can truly understand what I am trying to say unless they are in the same place that I am in. Gone through what I have gone through. Maybe not completely but in a sense. In 1996 I lost my mom to non-hodgkins cancer. I was 37.  Yes, That was a shock! That by itself totally rocked my world.But more so, One by losing her and two because we always figured my dad would go first because he was so much older. I mean he was 15 years older then my mom. That was the first of more to come and really rock my world.  It got the ball arollin.  37 is a young age to lose one of your parents but if I only knew what was going to happen next.

  In 2000, just 2 days before his 53rd birthday I lost my brother to kidney cancer. He was from my mom's first marriage but I felt as if he were a whole brother not just a half.  I'll get back to talking about him later on in my writings. Then let's see, oh yeah the ball keeps rolling.  In 2001, just about a month after my dad's 90th birthday and only 10 days before my birthday, I lost my dad.  I couldn't take much more!  I just couldn't handle it.  But 2 years later in 2003 just 1 day before mine and Michael's 26th wedding anniversary I lost my sister. By then I didn't have to worry about facing anymore because I had lost my complete family.  In the matter of 7 short years I had lost everyone!  I was alone. By the young age of 44 I was the last one of my whole entire family.  Talk about a big blow!

  See, that should help to explain, help for you to understand just a little why I am drawn to things of the past.  I can no longer pick up the phone  and talk about anything. It's impossible for me to listen to any one of them say "Do you Remember when we...".  No more stories, no more voices, nothing.  All I have is pictures. Whether they be pictures one of them took, I took myself or just pictures in a book. Or of course I can watch dvd's that more times then not I can say to myself or to Michael, "I was there".  Those and only those are all I have left.
I get so much joy yet so much hurt by remembering. I am torn in two different directions but at least I have that. So even though I have nothing, I do have something.

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