Thursday, November 13, 2008

More Like.....What Am I Today?.

  Have you ever felt "Just Useless?"  I have, I have alot.  But what do I do?  Healthwise I can't have the laborous kind of job I enjoy so much.  I WANT to be busy but I just don't have the energy. I know the whole thing clashes, it is total contradiction.   I know, I admit it to you as well as to myself, I am depressed. I have been depressed for a long, long time.

  When did it start? It's been around so long, I don't know. I don't even think my husband really knows.  You know how they say, "you can't see the forest through the trees?"  well I think that's the case with him.  Sometimes you're just too close to see it or you change with it.  Actually I've been so good at hiding my emotions for so many years that I think I probably hid it from the person I should of confided in. So to all of you who have mates, TALK!  be open and honest with each other.  Be in a fishbowl so to speak.  It's not healthy for you or those around you to keep your feeling all bottled up inside.  I mean it!  Start right now. Right this second and save your health and SAVE YOUR LIFE!

  I know I have had accidents, injuries which have contributed to my physical problems but I think more then anything, I really feel that holding things in and not talking about things on my mind has done me more harm.  I think it had all my immune defenses down so my bones weren't as strong as they should of been. I think it in fact made everything concerning the strength of my body alot weaker. Mind, body and soul.

  I used to think that as long as I got it out by writing it down on paper then that's all I needed. I do still think it helps but I really truly think you need to speak it out verbally.  It'll make you stronger and it will make you closer to the person you confide in. Everybody needs somebody.  I know that that person for me should be my husband especially since he is my soulmate but sometimes it's hard to open up to him. I don't want to look weak in his eyes but then I remember, he is the one that God made for me, just me to complete me.  I know that it is also equally hard for him to let his defenses down and take the chance of looking weak in my eyes.  But who is better to to lean on?  That saying is true, " I am weak where you are strong and vice versa."

  So please, I ask whomever reads this. Pray for me,  pray that I can let go of all that I've held in for all these years and get it out.  Yes, everything whether it be from today or 20 years ago. I need to get rid of it.

  I know in the past I made the mistake of talking over my problems with my kids, that's not good. I'm sorry and I wish I could take it all back.  I understand that I am probably a big contributor to their health problems.  I am so sorry please forgive me. I also know that in the past I even had the opportunity to talk to my cats.  Now that DID help.  They always listened and always seemed to understand, I sure could use a cat now!  I can even say that ever since I've been cat-less, I haven't been as healthy. But until we move out and get our own place I will forever be cat-less because for some sick reason my mother-in-law hates cats.  I can't understand why anyone on God's earth would hate cats. Cats are loving, compassionate, comforting, quite and all around easy to take care of.  In my opinion EVERYBODY NEEDS A CAT!




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