Friday, January 30, 2009

Is Hope Gone? Almost!

Let me talk about someone I know. This person has a heart of gold, will bend over backwards to help anyone that needs help but will barely do anything to help themselves. This person used to be a go getter, always busy, always trying to better themselves but now, nothing.

This person has so much potential and has alot of good ideas but they don't go anywhere. This person has had quite a few different opportunities to work. At first they are all into it but it soon fades and nothings been done.

It worries me that this person is turning into a very lifeless being. One thing that is very bothersome is that they will do all sorts of things for all sorts of people and places for free but when they have a real good chance at making money, well they back down and stay as far away from the idea as possible.

What to do, what to do? My problem is that I just can't seem to sit down and tell they how I really feel about this whole thing. I mean, I've heard promise after promise in the past of what they were going to do with their life but now it's like they've slipped into neutral and have forgotten all of those promises.

One thing that really bothers me is the fact of what this person had promised their spouses parents. This goes for both the male and female gender of a marriage, just in different ways.
When you promise to always take care of that special someone to their parents, doesn't that mean anything? When you break that promise, what is it saying to your partner? Let me tell you one thing that I am positive about and that is they don't love you any less. I haven't always taken care of my husband but I have never loved him less. It hurts me to even think that he might of even had it enter his mind!

Hmm, I don't even know where I was going with this. Oh I hate having an idea and then forget what it was. I don't know, maybe this is all that needs to be said about the situation. Well except for the fact I just keep telling this person to not give up hope.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Hidden Truth

All of my life I have been one who keeps things locked in my mind. I do alot of thinking. For as long as I can remember, I have always been one to worry about what others think. No matter if my feelings are hurting to the point of an atomic bomb, I hold them in. Are any of you like that? It is definetely a problem in more ways then one. Why can't I just let go and blurt out my opinion?

I suppose in my own way it is a form of suicide. Can you imagine, a suicide that has lasted close to 50 years now. How much longer can this suicide last? Why am I so worried about what other people think of me? I am not only protecting those around me but I am protecting myself. It would be so much better if I could just stick my foot in my mouth instead of sitting on them.

Is it a type of love for others that causes me to be this way? Why can I write so much better then I can talk? I have alot to say about alot of things. Why do I insist of this very unreasonable form of torture? Why can't I just open up my mouth and let the words fly? Is it because I feel that what I think and feel is not important?

Well, I am really struggling to write the words that are going through my mind right now. I have started having my Chiari headaches again and I didn't think it was possible but I truly believe that they are worse then before. I was awaken in the middle of the night with one last night. It was so bad and so extreme that if I would of had a loaded gun handy then I would of ended it right then and there.

I am wondering if it damaged my brain in some way. Today I can't seem to stay focused on any one thought and it is scaring me. Other then only being focused on the pain in my back and legs I was feeling rather normal this morning except for the thought running in my head about my head.

Well, did what I just wrote scare any of you? I wrote that almost a week ago and as I read it just now I had to say that I didn't much care for it. In fact it worries me that when I am in THAT much pain that I really feel like that. I do have to be truthful to myself and admit that yes my pain "IS" that bad at times. I haven't really been honest with my husband over this because as always, I try to protect those I care about.

I feel much better today as my pain has lessened to the point where I can function as a halfway normal person so don't none of you worry. Just pray for me.

Let me write now of my current frustration. I am totally stuck as a rock in a hard place. Years ago while working at a worldwide motel chain as a housekeeper, I was injured. The boss had came around to us and informed us that he got a heads-up on a secret inspection. One of thwe things he told us to do is pull the beds away from the wall and make sure nothing had fallen back behind them because the inspectors were known to do that. He never said that we could team up or anything to get this done, we were all to do our rooms as fast as we possibly could and hopefully leave before they arrived. Well my youngest daughter for some reason didnt go to school that day and was with me so I had kind of a helper, at least to do the small things. NOT to help move a bed though. I was in a room that had a kingsize in it, I picked up the end and gave a jerk. The next thing I remember is a pop, a crack and I was on my knees moaning with pain.

My daughter April who was cleaning the sink at the time heard and seen everything and ran out the door to summon help. She had tears in her eyes to see me in such pain. If I remember right, she was in elementary at the time so she was young. Ok ok, I'll try to get to the point of thew story instead of writing all the details.

After doctor appts, tests, etc.... we ended up in court over the whole thing to make sure the medical bills were covered. I won a settlement, not as much as I should of but all medical bills are to be covered for the rest of my life for my back. When all this happened, we lived in Kentucky and I had no problem but now that I am in Michigan and having more and more problems with my back I wanted to get it looked at and taken care of. This is where I started having problem after problem.

I contacted my caseworker from the Workers Comp Insurance I am covered under and asked her help to locate a doctor I could go see. They sent me a list of 203 names. Well it took me awhile but I made those 203 phone calls and you know what I found? That each and every one either do not take that insurance anymore or they aren't excepting new patients.

I need to first find a primary caregiver then get a referral for a physician to tend to my back injury. I only need to see the primary doctor once. Just one time! Well that was a dead end as I told you earlier so I decided to go to the next step and try to find an orthopedic or neurologist then if I had to, I'd go to the local free clinic to get a referral but guess what. I got the same answer from each of those too. They will not take that form of insurance or no new patients.

I called my caseworker back and informed her of my findings. She told me that she'd talk to her superiors and call me back no later then the next morning. Guess what, this is day 3 since that phone call and I still haven't heard from her. That is why I am so frustrated! I cannot get anything done covered under my court ordered life long insurance and I am to the point where I think I might have to re-sue. If I sued each and everytime that I should of, I'd be living high off the hog you might say. Oh there's alot more to this story but it would take me at least a month of continual typing to fill you all in so scratch that idea.

Does anyone reading this have any ideas as to what I can do now? I have Coventry Workers Comp Insurance so if anyone knows of anyone in my area that takes this kind of insurance or can tell me what to do next, please, by all means tell me!

Monday, January 19, 2009

WHOA That's Deep!

I woke up fairly early this morning. I went out and flipped the switch for the coffeemaker to do it's morning ritual while I in turn did mine. I went in and sat down on the couch, turned on the television set to listen to our local news station.

First, not talking about my deep insight but the first thing to come on was about the local roads and accidents. I was still half asleep so not paying a whole lot of attention when they started talking about an accident that happened in Allegan County. They went on to say it was fatal for the 20 year old male, Tyler ........... Oh my heart went in my throat and back again! Thank God they weren't talking about "our" Tyler but it sure did make me sit up and take notice!

Oh that is such a horrid feeling. I don't ever want that feeling ever again! I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone. Friend or foe.

Now let me get back to my title subject. I named it WHOA That's Deep because that in fact is what came out of Michael's mouth when I said what I said.

If you read yesterday's writing then this goes right along with it. Ok back to the newscast. After the local news, they go into the section about National News. What was on the screen but the name Obama and behind it the American Flag and the word. Unite.

Talk about a RED FLAG going through my mind! If you've noticed, everytime you see his name anywhere, it is always in all capital letters and the first and last letters are always alittle bit bigger then the rest


Does anyone else see it? Does anyone else's red flag go up? I guess unless you're a "church person" then it probably went right over your head.

Let me put it this way. The Bible starts out "In the beginning" ok, it includes somewhere down the road so to speak of the Alpha & Omega, the beginning and the end. Do you see it yet?

Alpha & Omega, now look at his name, ObamA. Now do you see it? Nobody can be that blind! It is backwards, it puts the end first and the first last. Now you can see why my husband said WHOA that's deep.

I'm telling you, the more things are revealed, the more I see the anti-christ. The more I see the End Of Time as the Bible speaks of. There is just too many consequences going on here. Now I'm not perfect, I know it but neither are you. It is scaring the crap out of me! If I am right about this, in which I really feel that I am, I need to get right with God and fast! There's no time to mess around and think about putting it off anymore.

It really has put a sharp pain in my heart to think that so many out there are being deceived and tricked into thinking he is so great. So I will pray for you, I will pray for people's eyes to be opened to the truth of this man. I in turn ask that you please pray for me and mine.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

A Prediction I Have

I have a prediction that I'd like to share with you. Well I don't know if you can really call it a prediction, maybe a hunch. Yeah, that's more like it, I have a hunch. If you've ever watched, listened to or read Tim LaHayes "Left Behind" series? Do you know where I'm going with this?

If you haven't then I'd like to advise you to go rent the movie, there's 3 of them so far. There is a person in it referred to as Nicolai Carpathia. I'd really like to see if he reminds you of somebody like he does me.

There is just too many similarities. Who am I talking about? Try Barack Obama. The more I hear about him, the more I am believing that he is the anti-christ or at least his aid. Or you could go right to the Bible and start reading about what it says about the anti-christ.

Ever since the first time I heard of him, I have had my suspicions. Actually, lately I have had a few different people saying the same thing. All we can do is wait and see but the more you start believing it, the closer you'd better get to God cause the End is really really getting close if I'm right!

I'd really like to hear your thoughts on this so please leave me a comment.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

A Plea From My Heart

Well here I am again. With a totally different kind of entry today.

I was surfing the net and found a site where you tell your story or plead youe case is a better way to put it. It's been said that there are people out there with millions that have a big heart and give money to those they find would put it to good use. So I thought to myself, "Why Not!"

So below is what I wrote. Hey, if any of you feel compassion, feel free to spread some my way!


My husband and I have been together for over 30 years. We worked hard all our life and raised 3 kids. We had found our dreamhome in a small community in north- central Kentucky and started our own business doing landscaping and lawncare. Due to natural disasters year after year, like a tornado, flood and 3 consecutive years of drought we ended up losing everything we had worked so hard for. Both of us in our 50's now, it is becoming harder and harder trying to start from scratch.

I am very thankful that all our children are grown and on their own now. But it sure would make me feel alot better if we as parents could be there if they ever needed us to fall back on, if you know what I mean.

We don't believe in the credit game, we feel it's a trap. Right now we are forced to live with my mother in law in a very small apt. We were delivering items that people purchased on ebay but our truck reached over 300,000 miles on it and stated having all sorts of issues. We started scraping and I'm also working as a caregiver which only pays 300.00 a month. Right now I see no end in sight as far as being able to get out on our own and having a home of our own.

My lifelong dream was to have a home where our kids could come visit and be able to let our grandkids say, "hurray! we're going to grandma & grandpa's house. We want ot live out in the country, away from the hustle and bustle of city life where it is relatively quite and slower paced. We want to grown a garden, have a way to help others in need in some smal way. But my hope for that is disappearing after each and every passing day.

Having someone give us enough money to obtain a home where love will be found for our grandkids would not be throwing money away. So if anyone out there has a heart for us, you can email me at mikenbeth40165@yahoo.comThanks for listening to at least part of our story. If you want more then just ask.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Emotions All Over the Place

  Yes, here I am once again. It has been a whole month since I wrote anything and that wasn't much.  My mind is going from one end to the other. I suppose it's due to the fact that I have been cooped in this apartment building for a year.

  Now the next thing is my opinion.  Let me make it clear that I am not in no way a racist although some of you might try to view it that way.  You might not like what I have to say but keep an open mind and think about it.

  I have noticed that at times I can become very ungiving and very judgemental on different subjects.  I am in no way a resemblance of my normal self.  I recognize it but it's like I just can't control it.

  To make a confession, with the new President getting ready to take over, I have alot of negative feelings  of the whole situation. Let me explain myself.  I am having a big problem with the fact that he claims to be African American. He has chucked aside the actual fact that he is half white. The way I look at it is he is more white then black. He was raised in a white home, he was carried inside a white mother for 9 months. I am not to clear of his parents as far as if they were married but I don't think they were. His father lived thousands of miles away so seen him seldom. Doesn't that qualify him as only being a sperm donor?

  He acts as if he is ashamed of his white heritage, you never hear him say that he is also white.  If he would of chose to marry a white woman then more then likely his children would of been white.  He should be honest and claim to be the first black/white President not African American. Is he ashamed of being white?

  The winter months  always seem to bring me down. I miss my family, my Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, and Cousins >>>> gone

  I grew up mostly living at places like ice rinks, roller rinks, swimming pool, bowling alley, I mean I was very out-going and very athletic. I miss it so very much.  I want so bad to do those things again but I am afraid that my physical body problems will not let me.  I have so many medical problems but I have no insurance so I live day after day living in pain and feeling totally useless.

  My children and their families are spread over 3 states. I want them, I need them. They are all I have left in this world.  I am depressed because I want so much to have my own house where they can come to visit and stay a few days.  I want us to be all together so it feels like family.  Does that make any sense?

  After having our own home in the past where I thought I'd live the rest of my life and having 3 very athletic children that always had me running here and there, to where I am at now.  Well I feel lost.  Do other people feel that way?

  I babysit my oldest grand daughter quite a bit but when she comes to grandma's it's not really grandma's. Where we live isn't even ours. She can't get the real feel of how it is to go to grandma's.  Does that make sense?  All of what her grandma really is, is in a storage unit.  It's been in there for so long that I can't even remember what we have.  In a sense, my 35 years of life have been locked up in a storage unit for 5 years now.

  I feel trapped, I feel like I have no control of my life.  I DON'T like this feeling!  I need the life my parents had but how do I get there?  I'm losing all hope that I will ever reach what I need most in my life.

  Michael and I had the opportunity of running our own delivery service all over the USA for close to 3 years.  We basically lived on the road in our truck but our brother in law, the one whom we bought the truck from kept putting off signing the title over to us and one night while everyone was sleeping, stole it. When he stole our truck, he stole our life.  Now we are left with no transportation and no way of making a living.  He owes us 8000.00 unless he gives our truck back.  We  don't want to have to go the legal route by taking him to court but right now we see no other way around it.  What really makes me upset is that he has all kinds of money coming in and he doesn't even need the truck, but he is the kind of person that needs to be in control of anything or anyone but he's not even in control of his own life.

  It seems like or actually is fact that all my life, people have been taking advantage of me. I am such a nice, laidback person that almost everyone that has ever been in my life has gotten over on me.  People make promises to me but rarely ever do what they say.  Do you know how that makes me feel?  It makes me feel like a nobody and in turn makes me wonder why I am even alive.

  I know in my mind that I am depressed, very depressed.  I have no interest in anything. All the things that I felt so deeply about in the past are gone. My physical needs or desires have diappeared, I am experiencing menopause symptoms very bad but nothing can be done about that or anything else because I don't have any health insurance.

  I don't think I ever really truly or completely grieved all my losses. My whole life basically went hell ever since we moved to Michigan and I lost my job at the Louisville UPS hub.  Back then I had a wonderful job, I had lost alot of weight and was physically toned, I had friends, I had a life with some sort of hope.  I don't even feel that I have hope anymore. If I do, it's not much.  There is so much that I hold inside because if I let it out, it would devistate some of the ones I love and hold dear.

  I am watching Dr Phil and there's a woman on there that is looking for a parental family to adopt her. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe if I could have a mom and a dad again, it would help to patch the hole I have in my life.  That gives me something to think about.  I'm too young to not have parents. I need to be able to be able to pick up the phone and talk to my mom and dad. So would you please help me by praying about this situation?  I need someone other then my husband to confide in, it's just normal to be able to call your mom when you hurt or have a problem.  My children need grandparents too.  I have a big void by not having my mommy and daddy.  I need to feel their arms around me, I need to hear them say I Love You.  It hurts so bad.

Monday, January 5, 2009

An Apology

  I want to apologize to anyone whom has been following my blog regularly. I have taken on another job so I have been unable to do any writing on my blog. I so wanted to write on my blog every day but I guess it is going to be impossible.

  Let me write a short quick entry about my new job. I am a Caregiver. I had a friend of a friend call me a say that her prior caregiver went bezerk while drinking and started throwing things and pushing her around. The police were called and I guess he even threatened them when they got there. Needless to say, he went to jail and they put a restraining order on him so he can't be anywhere near her. That's when I was called and asked to step in and become her new caregiver.

  When I got there for the first time I guess you might say I went into shock! That place was a total disaster area. There were broken items, broken glass all over the place and coffee all over the walls and furniture. He had somehow gotten past the chair where she spends most of her time and into her bedroom. He grabbed and thrown everything possible and you have to climb somewhat of a mountain of items just to get inside her bedroom door. I mean this place is a MESS!

  Although I have worked on it for several days it still looks as if nobody has touched it.  I am really trying to create some more income but this lady is very strange at times and I keep catching her in lies. I have worked so many hours and now I find out that I won't be paid for more then half of them.

  So please, please pray for me!