Sunday, November 29, 2009

I Received An Early Present

We had the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving and our Grandaughter Lexie's Birthday at our daughter and son in law's new home this year. I knew there were going to be presents there because it was Lexie's 2nd birthday but I also got a gift too.
It wasn't one that could be opened but it was probably the greatewst gift that I could have gotten. It was announced right before dinner that I am going to be a grandma again! Isn't that wonderful!
Well, now I will find out if it all runs in the family. I bet that sounds confusing to you doesn't it. See in my family there were 3 kids and each 3 kids had both boys and girls BUT in Michael's family there were 3 kids and this is how theirs goes.
Michael had both girls and boy, his brother had all girls and his sister had all boys. Now we have 3 kids, Aimee has all boys, Michael has girl and boy now so far April has a girl so we'll see what happens. Does this all make sense to you?
I hope it dosen't ring true because she wants a boy so bad and so does Lexie. Just ask her and she'll tell you that she wants a baby brubber!

That was some great news wasn't it! Well the following night I got a phone call from my daughter telling me that she was at the Emergency Room. Thank God it wasn't for the first thing that entered my mind as it probably just did yours. Oh it's bad enough though, she's been diagnoised with that H1N1. Not something that she needs to be getting right now when she has just concieved.
All they did was diagnoised her, gave her some Tamaflu and sent her home. I can't believe they didn't admit her to the hospital! I mean all the bad stuff I've been hearing about things that can happen to a newly pregnant woman.
You know, after thinking about it for awhile, you know why they probably sent her home? No health insurance. That's a shame too that all these hospitals think about is not caring for people but caring if they do or don't have insurance!

My daughter and my son in law are not slackers, not at all! They both work 2 jobs, have 2 children to support and have just bought a house but the price of health insurance is so high that none of the jobs they have can afford it and neither can they.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Just Alittle About our Business

I want to show you a picture of our Limo/Taxi but I'm having trouble getting the picture to upload. So I guess I will keep trying till I get it in here. I can't believe how busy we are already. I guess people are just sick and tired of the usual bull that they get from all the other companies here in Kalamazoo.

We are professional, honest and treat people the way we expect to be treated. Our rates are lower then all the rest and we can tell if it's really going to hurt you financially to pay the rate so we will do all we can to work with you. In fact, if you want to go to church on Sunday and don't have a ride or the money to pay, we will take you to church FREE! Now what other cab company will do that for you?

We also offer designated driver services. Just have the bartender give us a call! If you don't want to leave your vehicle parked there overnight, let us know and one of our family members will drive it home for you at no charge! Of course tips are always a very welcomed addition for our services.

We also have a Lincoln Town Car Stretch Limo that is being services and detailed which will soon be on the streets. Just think, what will your neighbors think when you pull up in front of your residence in a limo? and all you did was go grocery shopping! Limo rides at taxi rates> that's our motto. Or at least one of them.

It's been a long busy day and I now have about an hour before the bar rush so I think I will just kick back with my headphones on and catnap till a call comes in. It seems like everytime I try to do that though, a call comes in, but that's ok. It's what we do, it's our business. Remember, when in Kalamazoo, the best number to call is GODSPEED TRANSPORTATION! (269) 547-5477

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Busy, Busy Busy!

Yes I've been busy and I do mean busy. See since a year or so ago when the gas prices went through the roof and we stopped working as delivers of auction items on Ebay we both just took on odd jobs and Michael went back to work for Yellow Cab here in Kalamazoo.

After working for ourselves, well working for other people just don't cut it anymore so after some long discussions, praying and saving up enough money, we decided to start our own transportation company! Yes I know that's what we had before but this time it's people we deliver!

I want to announce the birth of GODSPEED TRANSPORTATION! We are the new kid on the block so to speak in the limo/taxi business. Limo Rides at Taxi Rates and our motto is Traveling at the speed of God!

Our rates are below the competitors (which there are several) but we are different from them. We will not make the drug runs or offer information on where people can go to get drugs. We are offering FREE RIDES TO CHURCH for those that have no other way to get there. We are working to get a designated driver program together for those too intoxicated to drive home safely. So if there are any bars, churches, insurance companies or even you private citizens out there that would like to help us out by sponsoring such a program, PLEASE contact us by email or by phone "269-547-5477". Our website is now under construction and will be up and operating soon but until then you can reach us by those mentioned. We will soon be set up to take credit card/debit card payments also!

We are a family owned and operated business. We now have on the road, a luxurious RV type van which holds up to 9. Also equipped with 1 toddler safety seat available upon request. Soon to be added is our stretch limo! Like I said, limo rides at taxi rates! It is complete with the usual limo contents. Only ours is family friendly, no alcohol provided by us.

Well I just wanted to stop by and fill you in on why I haven't been blogging. Now you know!
Hope to meet you sometime in our Limo/Taxi. Remember to mention how you heard about us and maybe you'll get an even bigger discount!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Was It A Gift From The Grave?

  It was Mother's Day 1997. The first Mother's Day after my mother passed away.  We lived in Shepherdsville, Kentucky on a 5 1/2 acre farm in the country.
  It was a beautiful warm sunny day and we were out in the yard doing some gardening. My family had bought me a bunch of flats of various flowers and plants and  I wanted to spend the day getting them in the ground.

  I wasn't in the greatest of moods since it was the first Mother's Day without my mother.  It was hard before because we lived so far away from her but at least I could talk to her on the phone.

  Michael, my husband was doing his best to lift my spirits and the kids were also trying to make it into a happy day for me.  I really appreciated it but still I felt so alone.  If you still have your mother then you just can't relate to what I was going through.

  I was greatful and all for my family. I mean any other day trying to get the kids to want to help in the maintaining of the yard and landscaping was next to impossible.  Well at least not without a bunch of I don't want to or totally disappearing from sight.

  My mom really loved birds.  Birds of all kinds and I know that, that's where my interest of our foul feathered friends came from.

  Anyways, there I was kneeled down in a flower garden that ran the length of our driveway. I was trying to keep my face away from the view of everyone because no matter what I did, I had a steady stream of tears falling down my face.  I was just so heavy-hearted missing my mom.

  All of a sudden I heard a strange sound. A tweeting singing sound of a bird. One that I had never ever heard before. I mean we lived in the country and had lots of different birds that sang the prettiest songs but this one was one I hadn't heard before.

  It was right above my head.  I happened to be underneath a flowering cherry tree that was just starting to bud.  I heard it again so I stopped doing what I was doing, kind of afraid to move because it was so close and I didn't want to scare it.

  The singing continued on and on.  I couldn't stand it anymore so I slowly looked up and there it was!  A brightly colored bird.  Very vivid colors of blue, red, green and yellow!  I had never ever seen anything like it before in my life!  Well at least not except in a bird book that my mom had gotten me the year before.

  In fact I remembered looking through the book one night  while visiting my mom and dad and pointing it out to her and saying how much I would love to see a bird like that in real life.

  I stood up and was in total awe.  I walked towards that bird and I bet I got within about 5 feet of that bird before I stopped and just stared.  It didn't fly away.  Instead it sat right there letting me look at it intensely and listening to it sing.

  All of a sudden it accurred to me, the whole event, the day it was, the bird it was and all I could do was smile.  I just knew my mom had sent that bird to me for my Mother's Day present to let me know that she loved me and that she was alright.  Right after that, the bird flew away.

  Later on I got that bird book out and looked it up.  It was a Painted Bunting which happens to be no where near habitating in Kentucky.  That's when I was 100% sure that my Mom sent it to me from the grave.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Well I Believe Now

  I have always been alittle sceptic on the idea of things getting into your head while your sleeping.  You know, put on a learning tape while you sleep and well you know the rest.  Well I woke up early this morning and since my husband works the graveyard shift, I went out into the frontroom and turned on the tv.  I grabbed my cup of coffee and sat down to enjoy the morning.

  Before too long I had fallen back asleep. I am not one that dreams very often but this time I did. All I can remember is that I was with my mom and she was telling me that she had to go. I was in tears hanging onto her hand as she was pulling away saying to always remember that I love you but I have to go. In my dream I was frantic!

  All of a sudden I woke up hearing myself yelling please don't go mommy please don't leave me!  I was in a full fledge mantic crying fit. My face was drenched with tears and although I had stopped yelling, I couldn't stop crying.  After a few minutes, I was able to calm myself only to start back up again.  This happened over and over. It took me almost 45 minutes to finally stop.

  That's when I noticed what was on the television.  It was the Regis and Kelly show and you know what they were talking about?  Yep, that's right, mother's. It was a show about how much mothers love their daughters and all the things they do for them.  Basically it was a mother's day show since Mother's Day is this coming Sunday.

  Every time I would think about how I had got woken up, I would again start the uncontrollable crying. Actually even when I wasn't thinking about it, I would have tears slowly dripping down my cheeks. I just couldn't stop them, they just kept coming.

  After my husband woke up, I got him his coffee and sat down next to him to try and tell him about what had happened to me.  I was so choked up that after just 4 or 5 words I started to cry.  I just couldn't get it out!

  I have to say I felt pretty bad for Michael, he of course didn't know what was going on so he was getting alittle upset. He must of thought something really really bad had happened.

  After a few minutes I was finally able to tell him the whole story.  Even now, several hours later, I am still having the same effects only not as bad.  I don't understand it, probably never will.

  It's been years since my mom passed away. She passed away the year my oldest daughter graduated and she's 30 now so see, it has been a long time.  It just goes to show me and make me be a compkete believer that things really do sink into your brain when your asleep.

Thursday, April 30, 2009


I didn't have to good of a day today. I first started out going to the Imaging place for my cervical MRI for my Chiari. I had really talked myself into being relaxed and comfortable and decided that "I can do this". Everything was going good and I was feeling at ease. I laid down on the table and they went to hook up that piece with the antenna in it which is like a whiplash collar. That did it. I went into a full blown panic attack like I'd never experience before. In fact it was so bad that it scared the crap out of both technicians. Needless to say, I didn't get my MRI done today. They did contact my doctor and had him write a referral for me to be sedated and are setting me up for another one.

And to add to this situation. The Doctors office told me that I would have to call and schedule my own MRI which I have never had to before plus I can't tell them that I have to be sedated so now what am I to do?
I am added this one paragraph on Friday morning.  The MRI Imaging place called me and told me that they received a fax yesterday afternoon from my doctors office and there was a problem.   My doctors office sent them the note that they wrote themselves!  Instead of faxing new orders over saying that I require an anesthesia assisted MRI they just returned the original note with no new orders. See what I'm having to deal with!

Then this afternoon I went to my primary doctor. That was a total waste of time and upset me completely. He come in with my file and said that he didnt have any test results back. I told him that my other doctor had those results 2 days ago and he asked "ME" what they said! I again asked him about medication for my menopause and he made some remark about since I have emphysema and heart disease that I can't take them? I told him that I didnt have either and he said are you sure? By that time I was highly irritated to say the least. Then he blurted out that I have a cyst on my kidney. After everything else, I don't know if I can believe him or not! My white count is still high but not as high as before BUT he still didn't give me an antibiotic.

I asked him about writing me a referral for an optometrist, he told me to go to the store and buy some reading glasses?

I told him that my Chiari headaches had started up again last Sunday and he said it must be hayfever causing them since it's that season. He has my files where my Chiari is documented with all my symptoms!

He asked if my meds for my back and leg pain were doing any good, I told him no they just make me sleep all the time and I couldn't do that because I have a grandbaby to watch and he never gave me anything else to try.

I also told him that my back itches really bad all the time and I was concerned about it and he offered to write me a script for benedryl which is in my file stating I am allergic.

Why do I always get doctors that are incompetent? Now you can see why I don't like going to the doctors, it doesn't do me any good.

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Hardest Thing To Do

    I have figured out that the hardest thing in the world to do is TO BE HONEST!  Oh I'm not talking about being honest to someone else, I'm talking about being TOTALLY HONEST TO YOURSELF!

  I have always believed that honesty is the best policy, I mean that's what our elders always said.  I've tried really hard to be honest but being dishonest is second nature thank's to satan.  I mean unfortunately it is sometimes too easy to not be honest.

  I think it's easier for some, more then others when it comes to being dishonest.  I know as I've gotten older, being honest seems more right then wrong.  Now that doesn't come out right does it.  I mean, when you're young, it just seems like part of life to not be honest.  As you grow older, honesty comes more natural.  I always believed that older people were more likely to be honest then younger people. Honesty is an important character.

  Well lately I've gotten a wake up call because I've had to deal with an elderly person that does more cheating, lying and stealing then being honest.  I mean you can stand right in front of this person, watch them do something and still they out and out try to lie their way out of it.  Anyways, this is not the subject I was wanting to write about today. It just shows me just how bad dishonesty can be so easy and make someone look so bad.

  Being honest makes you feel good inside. I find it pretty easy to be honest to someone else. The thing that I find is the hardest thing to do is being honest to yourself!  There was a time in my life where I would go to the doctors and tell a few little lies just to get what I went there to get. I'm sure you know what I mean.   Did it always work for me?  No.

  Now when I finally talk myself into going to the doctor and I am brutily and totally honest about what going on and why I am there. Guess what, they don't believe me.  Do I get the help I need?  No.   Do you know how frustrating that is!

  I hate going for any kind of medical attention because they always treat me like I'm making it all up.  Now I have so many different things wrong with my body that when I go and I start telling the doctor my long list, well.....  I get treated as just some bum off the street trying to get a fix.

  I have found that doctors don't take people serious anymore.  I have come to the conclusion that they just don't take their jobs serious anymore.  One of the people in your life that you should always be honest to, is a doctor but the NUMBER 1 person you need to be honest with in your whole entire life is YOURSELF!  And you know what, it is the hardest one to be honest to!

  There is so many things going on within my body that is wrong. so now I just repeatedly lie to myself and say "oh it's nothing, it'll pass".  Well about 2 months ago I decided that I would get real with myself and I would start writing down everything I could think of that was going on with my body.

  Well I took the list with me to the doctor.  I sat down and watched as he read my list.  Once he was done, he looked up from the page,  he had that "unbeleivable" look on his face.  All he said was, it looks like you have alot of problems. Then you know what he did for me?  Nothing, not one thing.  He handed me back my list and sent me on my way.

  Have I been back to a doctor since?  No!  I mean what's the use?

  I have decide to start all over again and make a new list. I don't know how long it will take me to finish but unless I die, my list won't get any smaller.  I have to really decide to be totally honest with myself and write down each and everything I can that's wrong with me.  Someday, hopefully, I will run into a doctor that will give a dam and that cares that I live a good quality life.

  What I think everyone should do is to grab a piece of paper and start making a list of your own.   By all means, if you have medical insurance  then take advantage of it!  Get every test done that you possibly can.    There might be at time when you loose that insurance and then you'll be just like me.  Most doctors now days WILL NOT take cash!  If you don't have insurance then they won't see you!  Take my word for it because I found that out first hand.

  Anyways like I was saying, don't lie to yourself.  Be totally and completely honest about what is going on with your body.  Those words some day just might save your life!

  Don't be stupid.  Don't keep even the littlest things from your spouse.  There might come a time when they are your voice and have to fill in the blanks when you can't do it for yourself.  I know,  I am guilty of keeping things from my husband because I don't want to worry him but in the end,  that one unspoken truth just might be the thing that keeps you from living or dying.

  So even though it's the HARDEST THING TO DO, just do it!


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Not Just A Dream Yet Only A Memory

Have you ever dreamt something yet it wasn't something that has never happened but just a memory that you had long forgotten about? I have. A couple nights ago this same thing accured. Usually after dreaming and waking up, my memory of what my dream was about is long forgotten. This time that didn't happen and I think it's because it was actually a deja vu,

Here is what happened, long ago yet just a couple days ago.

Back in my parents home where I grew up, there I was sitting in the living room. I was watching television, my Dad on the couch and my mother at her normal station which was sitting at the kitchen table. I rarely recollect her sitting anywhere else. Unless it was very late night and her and my Dad were snuggled on the couch watching some tv show.

Anyways, my Mom had parneses anemia which made her wrists very weak so whenever she wanted to write a letter she always used a typewriter. Well this time as I watched her for a couple hours, she had in her hand a pad of paper and a pencil. This was a very strange site to me.

Being totally curious I wanted to see what she was writing. I waited until she was deep in her writing when I went into the kitchen. She must of seen me in her (eyes in the back of her head) because she quickly closed the pad of paper. I went ahead and opened the refrigerator door. I turned and asked her what she was doing. She answered by saying that she was just writing a letter. I said "Mom I can see that much but why aren't you typing? She then told me that it wasn't the kind of letter that you could type, it needed to be hand written.

Well to say the least, THAT really got my curiosity up! I then went back into the living room and watched TV. I kept a close eye as to my mom and her doings. After a few more minutes I noticed that she was deeply consumed in her putting words on the paper so I made my move.

I wasn't sure that I could sneak up on her because of the way she was sitting so I quietly went out the front door of the house, walked around to the garage. Our garage was attached to the back of the house. Back then, that was unusual. I went through the garage and luckily it was hot outside so the back door was open!

Well it wasn't like I was an angel back then, I knew exactly how far I could open that door before the first squeak. Then how far till the next one and so on. Don't get me wrong, I didn't do it that often, I was a good girl back then.

I managed to get the door opened enough to slide my body inside. It opened up into a utility room and from there was the doorway tot he kitchen. I peeked around the corner. She still had pen to paper and was writing in such a fashion that I knew she was trying to get alot of words down before she forgot them.

There was my chance. I very slowly, very quietly walked into the kitchen behind her. I glanced over her shoulder and there at the top of the page it said, Dear Beth, My Loving Daughter and friend. Those words surprised me! Next it went on to say, I want you to know just how much you mean to me and just how happy I am that you are my daughter.

I wanted so much to keep reading but there was a noise from the other room and it broke my mom's concentration so I took a couple steps backwards and was in the doorway of the utility room. Whew! that was close.

I don't know what made me dream of that moment in time but I do know that not I am being drove crazy by the fact that I have never received that letter. What happened to it? Did it get through out with everything else when my sister basically lost her mind and emptied all my parents possessions in that big trash bin? Could see of kept it in that old cedar chest that somehow my cousin stole? If I pray fervently, could it possibly show up somehow? I wish I could read the rest of what she wrote to me those many many years ago.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Time Marches On

If you've read my other posts then you know how I feel about Christmas. Well, I guess I just need to be honest to myself and to those closest to me. Christmas bothers me, I mean really bothers me but it doesn't end there although I wish so much that it did. Actually it's the whole winter season. Once, my favorite time of the year because of my love for ice skating and all but who knows why God chose to take such a wonderful time for me and totally turn it upside down is something I will never truly understand. But if I think about my life it really falls into the same ongoing cycle.

The only thing I've known for the majority of my life is hurt and pain. Ever since I can remember I have always had unexplained pains in my legs. Here I am almost 50 and I am still having to endure the same unexplained pains. Of course through the years I have added to the pain. You know back, knees, etc...

Getting back to winter time. Christmas unlocks the door to the new year and that is where in all starts. I am reminded time after time of those that are gone. Whether it be their birthday or the day they died, they come one by one as a marching army.

January isn't bad, I mean no dates jump out at me but once February comes along well here they come. February marks my Dad, Sister and Brothers birthdays. It also happens to be when my brother died. Then there's March. My Dad died in March. my mom's birthday and my parents anniversary. March also brings the birthday of my youngest, April and of course I can't forget my birthday.

Now April is in the air. Let's see, there's our oldest daughter Aimee and our son Michael's birthdays, mine and Michael's anniversary then....... my sister died. Also in there someplace is Easter.

Now can you see why I can't stand winter anymore? With all my aches and pains now the cold weather is definitely not my friend. Of course I am stuck living in one of the worst states for winter so I pretty much stick inside. That brings on the cabin fever and worse, depression.

You can believe me when I say that this year I am more depressed then I've ever been in my entire life. I hate it, it's awful. Day after day I sit in this apt, not having anywhere to go or do. I am so greatful that my daughter April lives up here in the cold country and brings our little granddaughter over for me to watch. Not too much but just enough.

For anyone who is not a grandparent cannot even come close to knowing how much joy those grand babies bring. They also have no idea just how bad it hurts to have grand babies that you aren't close enough to see. I have 4 that live in Kentucky and Georgia that I haven't been able to see in an awful long time. I have 2 that are so little that by the time I am able to visit them, they won't know who I am.

Now my older body is acting weird and I am in full blown menopause. Ladies, I pray that you don't experience what I am having to deal with. I can't get a good nights sleep because I constantly wake up 2 and 3 times in an hour in a full body sweat. I can no longer sleep in the same bed with my husband because the heat from his body or the touch of his hand throws me into another one. I'm lucky if I can get a good morning hug and kiss without serious consequences.

I am one person of many that don't have health insurance so I am unable to get any kind of relief. In fact I have many problems that need tending to but unless I go to an emergency room then I just continue to live in suffering. Maybe some day I will put trust in the medical profession but well.......Not Today!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Underneath it all There's Love

After being married for over 30 years, it's funny how people loose not just the sight but the feeling that the love has just gone out of the holy union. You can't even begin to imagine everything that Michael and I have had to endure over the years. There is so many things that has happened over those years that would of been grounds to just call it quits but being the people we are one of us was bullheaded enough to stick through it and hang on. When one would do something stupid, the other would hold on tight to those vows that we once took so many years ago. Now I thank God for each of those times and that we are still together.

I do have to admit that there has been times even now when that thought of leaving has entered my mind. Feeling that he had lost his real love for me because of where we are right now. Basically being forced in this suspended animation of the present and not going anywhere. Not seeing anyway out because of lack of any real direction.

He was always an inventive kind of person. Always finding something to bring in some sort of finances whether it be big or little. He was always a go getter so to speak, a self starter even though things never grew.

Let me try to explain alittle. I really thought there for awhile that he finally was going somewhere. He had started a lawncare business from nothing. From an old pick up truck and a regular mower in the back of a strange looking self made trailer to where he had a new truck and 2 or 3 different types of store bought trailers and several commercial mowers and several employees.

He had taken us from living in a 2 bedroom apartment to a 5 bedroom farmhouse which had 5 acres. We were living the American Dream. We weren't bring in millions or anything but he was providing a good life for our 3 children and I really thought we'd be there the rest of our life.

We had so many plans and ideas for that property. We had even hoped to be buried on that property. But how things do change right before your eyes. Through some bad decisions as well as 3 years of what you call acts of God like tornados, flooding and draughts everything changed.

Falling back little by little and not being able to make the whole payment and the mortgage holders not accepting partial payments, we ended up in foreclosure. I stayed up for days at a time trying to find someone to help us out. Contacting as many loan businesses that I could find online to see if somehow they would give us a loan so we could keep what we had worked so hard for.

Getting a court ordered appearance date in the mail I was really doing everything I could think of to find a loan before we were told to get out. I finally found a place that would give us that loan but they couldn't get us the money until 2 days after the court ordered deadline.
I contacted the authorities and told them the fantastic news only to be ripped apart by them saying "Sorry that won't be good enough" and we lost it all. In like a blink of an eye, it was gone.

I blame that on what happened to our family falling apart so to speak. Although our oldest, Aimee was old enough to be on her own, well she moved out to her own apartment. Our son pleaded to move to another state to live with his aunt and uncle and our youngest ended up thousands of miles away in a Christian run home for troubled kids. And last but not least, although we are still together, Michael and I ended up separated for awhile.

We got back together and a close relative offered us a solution to get our feet back underneath us for awhile, giving us false-hope of employment and a promise to start a business together. We took him up on the offer and moved to Michigan which led to me losing all my time that I had worked so hard for at UPS.

Because of all that, we now are living in a senior citizen/handicapped skyrise apartment building with his mother. For a couple years we have been able to maintain a hopeful outlook, being able to work and bring in money. Giving us both hope for a life back in Kentucky.

Through all that, we were able to start up our own business again but then that same relative, the one with all the promises, did some really mean and nasty things to us. Not paying us for the hours and hours we had worked for him and then by stealing the truck that we got from him finally paying us what he owed us.

Anyways after all that being said. Now and for the past year we have both sunk into a depression where it is hard for us to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I was always the one with to keep hopes up, always being optimistic about the future. Little did I know it but with each passing day, my will was disappearing. I had hopes of better times in which I still do but I was loosing my optimism.

Michael too was loosing his. After loosing the truck and no longer able to maintain our delivery business that we had, for awhile was able to do things like scraping to give us some income. But now with the economy the way it is, he's not able to make anykind of money on a steady basis. The hope I once had was disappearing little by little.

I was starting to feel as if his love for me was also disappearing because he would say he was going to get a job doing something only to see that fall by the wayside, several times over. I have had times of thinking of leaving, moving down to stay with our son who is now in the Army. I felt like Michael's love for me was all but gone.

That is why I am writing this today. Just to show you just how wrong I was. Michael was on the computer and was writing a letter to all our kids. I just figured it was a "how you doing, we miss you letter". This morning I got on the computer and was reading the emails that had came in over the past few days while I was down with the flu. Then for some reason I thought I'd get into the sent mail and read what he'd wrote.

As I read the letter, tears started to well up in my eyes. With each and every word I could see that his love for me was not gone, not at all. He still cares about me. Even though we don't say it much anymore and I thought his love for me was gone, I was really starting to know positively that that deep deep caring love was still there hidden under his depression.

It took me a long time to read his letter, mainly because my eyes were filled with so many tears that I couldn't see the words anymore. By the time I got done reading those words, all I could do was go into the other room and look into his eyes, tell him I loved him and put my arms around him.

I have went back and forth trying to decide if I should include his letter in my writings and then decided that unless I do, none of what I just shared with you would not make any sense. When you read his words that he so heartfully wrote to our children, you will see just how wrong we can be and see deep a love a person can have for one another.

Here is his letter:

Dear Kids,
I Know Y'all probably get pretty sick of hearing about how Depressed Your Dad is, but I gotta tell you that I'm scared! I have this huge hole in my heart because I 'm afraid that we as a family are all growing so far apart. I also have a lot of guilt because I know that I made so many mistakes along the way and as a result we are all scattered across the country. I can't change the past and what has happened as a result, but we can change the future.
There has been some good blessings that have came from our migration back to Michigan. Michael Met and married Jess and we have 2 more beautiful babies added to our tribe as a result...The same is true with April meeting Tyler and marrying him and now we have Alexis and Tyler's son Seth. We have a beautiful family and God has blessed us richly.
As I have been writing my memoirs, which you see in my blogs, I go back in time to those days when I was a kid and I realize how important it is to me to have those good childhood experiences that centered around growing up with my cousins, uncles, aunts, Grandparents etc. and then I think about how fast all of our kids are going to grow up, and I'm afraid that we will be depriving all these babies as well as ourselves of a lot of happy experiences and memories if we don't make a real effort and some quick decisions to do something about us all trying to come together as a family and give ourselves and these babies a chance to grow older together.
I know that as far as what is most practical that Aimee, Joe and the 2 boys are pretty much locked in to where they have to be because of Joe's job at GE and a mortgage on a house etc. and I think if the truth be told, April and Michael II would probably be more than happy with the idea of our families coming back to Kentucky or real close by...I know that would make your Mother and I very happy as we still feel like that Kentucky is our real home and that is where we would like to be more than anywhere else in the world.
It seems to your mom and I that Kentucky would be the most practical place for all of us to be. I think that Tyler would be open to it but he has expressed some concerns about how he would work out some of his situations in regards to Seth and be able to be in his son's life, but I really feel like the Lord would somehow make a way.
I do know this for sure that if it wasn't for being able to see April on a regular basis and being able to spend time with My precious little Lexie that I would probably lose my mind...Sometimes I feel like I'm right on the verge of it anyways and I do see all the pain and hurt your Mom goes through but thank God that little girl keeps us from totally losing our grip and she eases the pain in our hearts of missing everyone else...Also I thank God that Jessie talks to your Mom almost everyday and sends all those pics to her.
You should see the joy that brings her and I know that your Mom and Jess have bonded in a real special way and we are so thankful for that. I do know also that your mom wishes that hers and Aimee's relationship was on stronger footing and I feel like that would probably happen more readily if we all were living closer together,
I also got to tell you that we are just heartbroken over not being with the rest of the babies and watching them grow and getting to be a part of their lives. It just kills me that we haven't got to spend hardly any time at all with Ethan and Kierah and we are missing those early years with them and haven't bonded with those 2 like we have with 3-peat and Jaron.
I know that for now, Michael doesn't have any control over where they are living for now with him being in the army but unless he re-enlists, he only has a few more years to go.
April and Tyler are struggling financially and the both of them work like dogs all the time just trying to get by and I know they are wanting to get a place of their own and I'm afraid that if they do get locked into a commitment on buying a house around here somewhere then its just going to get harder and harder for us all to be living close to each other so the kids can grow up together as cousins. I personally think that would be tragic!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think That we would all have a much better quality of life and Tyler and April's opportunities for work and having Grandma and Papaw's help for raising the kids and I think that would also be a big help for Aimee and Joe as well, Mike and Jess too if your mom and I were around to help share the load in taking care of the kids... That would be your Mom's dream come true...For us to have our own home for the grandbabies to come over to Grandmas and Papaws house...She expresses that to me all the time...
We are not getting any younger and we know that you moms need the breaks to be able to get away from the kids every now and then and not have to worry about whether or not they are going to be safe and in a good environment....
I know I'm just rambling on and on but I have to believe that all of our lives would somehow be better and healthier if we had each other close by to call on for help and support rather than all of us all just struggling so much trying to get by and live our lives separately on our own... Does that make sense to y'all??? I don't know for sure how we make it happen but I guess I'm just asking that at least maybe we can start thinking about the possibility of it and pray about it and start looking into maybe some Job opportunities or business opportunities for April ,Tyler, your Mom and me and we are already looking into possibilities for property like an old farm with some acreage...
I know that Michael is into the idea and I think a working farm or ranch would be a good start for a means for all of us to make a viable living as well as a great place for the kids to grow up.
All I know is that I have got do something soon to start to get our lives back on track and I absolutely owe it to your mother to give her something to look forward to and help her find her hope in the future because right now she has a pretty gloomy outlook for the future and in many ways I see her almost on the verge of giving up...She is so unhappy and insecure and I think all of us owe it too her to help her find some hope for the future because she has always been the one that has worked so hard for all of us most of our lives wanting to make sure that we always had what we need and more importantly what we wanted...
She has been the one that was always looking out for us to make sure we were able to pursue our dreams and that we had what we needed to be happy. Let's try and see what we can do for her to help her find her dreams again and help her to find some happiness...She really needs to know right now how much she means to all of you and she deserves it!
If you all only really knew how much of your Mother's life and energy was devoted to you kids??? Anyways, please don't receive any of this as a guilt trip or manipulation of some kind...I'm just sharing what's on my heart and if I could do this all by myself and fix everything...I would, but I can't and I need your help! I love you. Dad

That's true and pure love.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Never Not Finish What You Started

Well it's Superbowl Sunday all over the United States. If there was a way to look inside each house you would most likely see 60% of the televisions on that game. I never paid much attention to the game myself even when I cheered for my school's team.

I really got into it when our son decided that he wanted to play football back when he was in elementary and got on our local kids football team. I went from knowing nothing to just about everything there was to know about the game.

Now that he is grown and in the Army, I am back to my first feelings of the game. I don't care to watch it, no matter which teams are playing. I can understand how parents get into the different sports when their kids are playing but I cannot figure out why you'd want to watch it for any other reason.

Well I can't say I don't ever watch it and I can't say that I don't enjoy it at times but it has to be the right time and the right circumstance. I like watching it when it's just me and my hubby and we can lie around half dressed on the couch but that never happens around here. The other time I enjoy it is when we are sitting around with a bunch of other couples talking, eating hot wings and there is other activities to do like sing karaoke or maybe play texas holdem.

I remember back when we had our own place and we'd invite friends over to watch the games with us. We'd also have our kids at home with us too. Now those were some good times!

I am anxiously awaiting for our grandson's and grand daughter's to grow old enough to become athletes. It's the years in between that are just so boring.

I guess I need to explain something. Maybe the reason this blog makes no sense is because it is now March and I just realized that I never finished this. I'm trying to think back to what I wanted to originally write about but it's no use, I just can't remember! But, at least I tried!

Flood, Tornado, Graduation and No Electric and Water

I watched a movie on the Hallmark channel called "Candles on Bay Street" It was about a girl who moved back to her hometown because she was sick. She was on a mission to find a real home for her son with neighbors that care for one another. This movie came very close to a part of my life. She had Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

My mother died of this same condition. As I watched, thoughts went through my mind of how the last part of my moms life must of been like. It also raised up a bitterness towards my family because they never came out and told me just how bad, how serious her condition was. While she lived in Michigan and I in Kentucky, I was in their mercies.

I don't know if they didn't tell me everything to keep me from worrying or what the true reason was. They would tell me she was doing fine and even sometimes would say she looks like she getting better. That is the cause for my bitterness now that I had watched that movie.

If I would of been told the truth, told just how serious she was and her life expectancy then I would of went to Michigan to be with her and take care of her. I really feel like I missed out on the most important time in my moms life.

Nobody ever shared with me about how serious this form of cancer was. They would say things like, she has cancer but it's only non Hodgkin's lymphoma so to me that in itself led me to believe that it wasn't that bad.

Now that I know what it is and I understand that it progresses quick, I feel I've failed as her daughter. She took care of me when I was small and sick and I should of been there taking care of her. Even as sick as she was, my brother brought my mom and my dad down to Kentucky where we lived just to see our home because I wanted her to. That's how much they loved me.

They came down to see our home plus attend my oldest daughters graduation but they got way more then that! On the trip down, the weather was terrible. They had to drive through a torrential rain storm for about 100 miles then had to stop at a motel because the roads were flooded. By the time they woke up the next morning, the entire parking lot was flooded and so was the vehicle they were driving.

There also was a tornado that destroyed the town we lived in along with trees downed over every road going back to our house. They finally made it back to our house to find that we didn't have any electric and no water! We housed 15 people during all that and came out just fine but it sure made their trip more memorable.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Is Hope Gone? Almost!

Let me talk about someone I know. This person has a heart of gold, will bend over backwards to help anyone that needs help but will barely do anything to help themselves. This person used to be a go getter, always busy, always trying to better themselves but now, nothing.

This person has so much potential and has alot of good ideas but they don't go anywhere. This person has had quite a few different opportunities to work. At first they are all into it but it soon fades and nothings been done.

It worries me that this person is turning into a very lifeless being. One thing that is very bothersome is that they will do all sorts of things for all sorts of people and places for free but when they have a real good chance at making money, well they back down and stay as far away from the idea as possible.

What to do, what to do? My problem is that I just can't seem to sit down and tell they how I really feel about this whole thing. I mean, I've heard promise after promise in the past of what they were going to do with their life but now it's like they've slipped into neutral and have forgotten all of those promises.

One thing that really bothers me is the fact of what this person had promised their spouses parents. This goes for both the male and female gender of a marriage, just in different ways.
When you promise to always take care of that special someone to their parents, doesn't that mean anything? When you break that promise, what is it saying to your partner? Let me tell you one thing that I am positive about and that is they don't love you any less. I haven't always taken care of my husband but I have never loved him less. It hurts me to even think that he might of even had it enter his mind!

Hmm, I don't even know where I was going with this. Oh I hate having an idea and then forget what it was. I don't know, maybe this is all that needs to be said about the situation. Well except for the fact I just keep telling this person to not give up hope.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Hidden Truth

All of my life I have been one who keeps things locked in my mind. I do alot of thinking. For as long as I can remember, I have always been one to worry about what others think. No matter if my feelings are hurting to the point of an atomic bomb, I hold them in. Are any of you like that? It is definetely a problem in more ways then one. Why can't I just let go and blurt out my opinion?

I suppose in my own way it is a form of suicide. Can you imagine, a suicide that has lasted close to 50 years now. How much longer can this suicide last? Why am I so worried about what other people think of me? I am not only protecting those around me but I am protecting myself. It would be so much better if I could just stick my foot in my mouth instead of sitting on them.

Is it a type of love for others that causes me to be this way? Why can I write so much better then I can talk? I have alot to say about alot of things. Why do I insist of this very unreasonable form of torture? Why can't I just open up my mouth and let the words fly? Is it because I feel that what I think and feel is not important?

Well, I am really struggling to write the words that are going through my mind right now. I have started having my Chiari headaches again and I didn't think it was possible but I truly believe that they are worse then before. I was awaken in the middle of the night with one last night. It was so bad and so extreme that if I would of had a loaded gun handy then I would of ended it right then and there.

I am wondering if it damaged my brain in some way. Today I can't seem to stay focused on any one thought and it is scaring me. Other then only being focused on the pain in my back and legs I was feeling rather normal this morning except for the thought running in my head about my head.

Well, did what I just wrote scare any of you? I wrote that almost a week ago and as I read it just now I had to say that I didn't much care for it. In fact it worries me that when I am in THAT much pain that I really feel like that. I do have to be truthful to myself and admit that yes my pain "IS" that bad at times. I haven't really been honest with my husband over this because as always, I try to protect those I care about.

I feel much better today as my pain has lessened to the point where I can function as a halfway normal person so don't none of you worry. Just pray for me.

Let me write now of my current frustration. I am totally stuck as a rock in a hard place. Years ago while working at a worldwide motel chain as a housekeeper, I was injured. The boss had came around to us and informed us that he got a heads-up on a secret inspection. One of thwe things he told us to do is pull the beds away from the wall and make sure nothing had fallen back behind them because the inspectors were known to do that. He never said that we could team up or anything to get this done, we were all to do our rooms as fast as we possibly could and hopefully leave before they arrived. Well my youngest daughter for some reason didnt go to school that day and was with me so I had kind of a helper, at least to do the small things. NOT to help move a bed though. I was in a room that had a kingsize in it, I picked up the end and gave a jerk. The next thing I remember is a pop, a crack and I was on my knees moaning with pain.

My daughter April who was cleaning the sink at the time heard and seen everything and ran out the door to summon help. She had tears in her eyes to see me in such pain. If I remember right, she was in elementary at the time so she was young. Ok ok, I'll try to get to the point of thew story instead of writing all the details.

After doctor appts, tests, etc.... we ended up in court over the whole thing to make sure the medical bills were covered. I won a settlement, not as much as I should of but all medical bills are to be covered for the rest of my life for my back. When all this happened, we lived in Kentucky and I had no problem but now that I am in Michigan and having more and more problems with my back I wanted to get it looked at and taken care of. This is where I started having problem after problem.

I contacted my caseworker from the Workers Comp Insurance I am covered under and asked her help to locate a doctor I could go see. They sent me a list of 203 names. Well it took me awhile but I made those 203 phone calls and you know what I found? That each and every one either do not take that insurance anymore or they aren't excepting new patients.

I need to first find a primary caregiver then get a referral for a physician to tend to my back injury. I only need to see the primary doctor once. Just one time! Well that was a dead end as I told you earlier so I decided to go to the next step and try to find an orthopedic or neurologist then if I had to, I'd go to the local free clinic to get a referral but guess what. I got the same answer from each of those too. They will not take that form of insurance or no new patients.

I called my caseworker back and informed her of my findings. She told me that she'd talk to her superiors and call me back no later then the next morning. Guess what, this is day 3 since that phone call and I still haven't heard from her. That is why I am so frustrated! I cannot get anything done covered under my court ordered life long insurance and I am to the point where I think I might have to re-sue. If I sued each and everytime that I should of, I'd be living high off the hog you might say. Oh there's alot more to this story but it would take me at least a month of continual typing to fill you all in so scratch that idea.

Does anyone reading this have any ideas as to what I can do now? I have Coventry Workers Comp Insurance so if anyone knows of anyone in my area that takes this kind of insurance or can tell me what to do next, please, by all means tell me!

Monday, January 19, 2009

WHOA That's Deep!

I woke up fairly early this morning. I went out and flipped the switch for the coffeemaker to do it's morning ritual while I in turn did mine. I went in and sat down on the couch, turned on the television set to listen to our local news station.

First, not talking about my deep insight but the first thing to come on was about the local roads and accidents. I was still half asleep so not paying a whole lot of attention when they started talking about an accident that happened in Allegan County. They went on to say it was fatal for the 20 year old male, Tyler ........... Oh my heart went in my throat and back again! Thank God they weren't talking about "our" Tyler but it sure did make me sit up and take notice!

Oh that is such a horrid feeling. I don't ever want that feeling ever again! I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone. Friend or foe.

Now let me get back to my title subject. I named it WHOA That's Deep because that in fact is what came out of Michael's mouth when I said what I said.

If you read yesterday's writing then this goes right along with it. Ok back to the newscast. After the local news, they go into the section about National News. What was on the screen but the name Obama and behind it the American Flag and the word. Unite.

Talk about a RED FLAG going through my mind! If you've noticed, everytime you see his name anywhere, it is always in all capital letters and the first and last letters are always alittle bit bigger then the rest


Does anyone else see it? Does anyone else's red flag go up? I guess unless you're a "church person" then it probably went right over your head.

Let me put it this way. The Bible starts out "In the beginning" ok, it includes somewhere down the road so to speak of the Alpha & Omega, the beginning and the end. Do you see it yet?

Alpha & Omega, now look at his name, ObamA. Now do you see it? Nobody can be that blind! It is backwards, it puts the end first and the first last. Now you can see why my husband said WHOA that's deep.

I'm telling you, the more things are revealed, the more I see the anti-christ. The more I see the End Of Time as the Bible speaks of. There is just too many consequences going on here. Now I'm not perfect, I know it but neither are you. It is scaring the crap out of me! If I am right about this, in which I really feel that I am, I need to get right with God and fast! There's no time to mess around and think about putting it off anymore.

It really has put a sharp pain in my heart to think that so many out there are being deceived and tricked into thinking he is so great. So I will pray for you, I will pray for people's eyes to be opened to the truth of this man. I in turn ask that you please pray for me and mine.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

A Prediction I Have

I have a prediction that I'd like to share with you. Well I don't know if you can really call it a prediction, maybe a hunch. Yeah, that's more like it, I have a hunch. If you've ever watched, listened to or read Tim LaHayes "Left Behind" series? Do you know where I'm going with this?

If you haven't then I'd like to advise you to go rent the movie, there's 3 of them so far. There is a person in it referred to as Nicolai Carpathia. I'd really like to see if he reminds you of somebody like he does me.

There is just too many similarities. Who am I talking about? Try Barack Obama. The more I hear about him, the more I am believing that he is the anti-christ or at least his aid. Or you could go right to the Bible and start reading about what it says about the anti-christ.

Ever since the first time I heard of him, I have had my suspicions. Actually, lately I have had a few different people saying the same thing. All we can do is wait and see but the more you start believing it, the closer you'd better get to God cause the End is really really getting close if I'm right!

I'd really like to hear your thoughts on this so please leave me a comment.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

A Plea From My Heart

Well here I am again. With a totally different kind of entry today.

I was surfing the net and found a site where you tell your story or plead youe case is a better way to put it. It's been said that there are people out there with millions that have a big heart and give money to those they find would put it to good use. So I thought to myself, "Why Not!"

So below is what I wrote. Hey, if any of you feel compassion, feel free to spread some my way!


My husband and I have been together for over 30 years. We worked hard all our life and raised 3 kids. We had found our dreamhome in a small community in north- central Kentucky and started our own business doing landscaping and lawncare. Due to natural disasters year after year, like a tornado, flood and 3 consecutive years of drought we ended up losing everything we had worked so hard for. Both of us in our 50's now, it is becoming harder and harder trying to start from scratch.

I am very thankful that all our children are grown and on their own now. But it sure would make me feel alot better if we as parents could be there if they ever needed us to fall back on, if you know what I mean.

We don't believe in the credit game, we feel it's a trap. Right now we are forced to live with my mother in law in a very small apt. We were delivering items that people purchased on ebay but our truck reached over 300,000 miles on it and stated having all sorts of issues. We started scraping and I'm also working as a caregiver which only pays 300.00 a month. Right now I see no end in sight as far as being able to get out on our own and having a home of our own.

My lifelong dream was to have a home where our kids could come visit and be able to let our grandkids say, "hurray! we're going to grandma & grandpa's house. We want ot live out in the country, away from the hustle and bustle of city life where it is relatively quite and slower paced. We want to grown a garden, have a way to help others in need in some smal way. But my hope for that is disappearing after each and every passing day.

Having someone give us enough money to obtain a home where love will be found for our grandkids would not be throwing money away. So if anyone out there has a heart for us, you can email me at mikenbeth40165@yahoo.comThanks for listening to at least part of our story. If you want more then just ask.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Emotions All Over the Place

  Yes, here I am once again. It has been a whole month since I wrote anything and that wasn't much.  My mind is going from one end to the other. I suppose it's due to the fact that I have been cooped in this apartment building for a year.

  Now the next thing is my opinion.  Let me make it clear that I am not in no way a racist although some of you might try to view it that way.  You might not like what I have to say but keep an open mind and think about it.

  I have noticed that at times I can become very ungiving and very judgemental on different subjects.  I am in no way a resemblance of my normal self.  I recognize it but it's like I just can't control it.

  To make a confession, with the new President getting ready to take over, I have alot of negative feelings  of the whole situation. Let me explain myself.  I am having a big problem with the fact that he claims to be African American. He has chucked aside the actual fact that he is half white. The way I look at it is he is more white then black. He was raised in a white home, he was carried inside a white mother for 9 months. I am not to clear of his parents as far as if they were married but I don't think they were. His father lived thousands of miles away so seen him seldom. Doesn't that qualify him as only being a sperm donor?

  He acts as if he is ashamed of his white heritage, you never hear him say that he is also white.  If he would of chose to marry a white woman then more then likely his children would of been white.  He should be honest and claim to be the first black/white President not African American. Is he ashamed of being white?

  The winter months  always seem to bring me down. I miss my family, my Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, and Cousins >>>> gone

  I grew up mostly living at places like ice rinks, roller rinks, swimming pool, bowling alley, I mean I was very out-going and very athletic. I miss it so very much.  I want so bad to do those things again but I am afraid that my physical body problems will not let me.  I have so many medical problems but I have no insurance so I live day after day living in pain and feeling totally useless.

  My children and their families are spread over 3 states. I want them, I need them. They are all I have left in this world.  I am depressed because I want so much to have my own house where they can come to visit and stay a few days.  I want us to be all together so it feels like family.  Does that make any sense?

  After having our own home in the past where I thought I'd live the rest of my life and having 3 very athletic children that always had me running here and there, to where I am at now.  Well I feel lost.  Do other people feel that way?

  I babysit my oldest grand daughter quite a bit but when she comes to grandma's it's not really grandma's. Where we live isn't even ours. She can't get the real feel of how it is to go to grandma's.  Does that make sense?  All of what her grandma really is, is in a storage unit.  It's been in there for so long that I can't even remember what we have.  In a sense, my 35 years of life have been locked up in a storage unit for 5 years now.

  I feel trapped, I feel like I have no control of my life.  I DON'T like this feeling!  I need the life my parents had but how do I get there?  I'm losing all hope that I will ever reach what I need most in my life.

  Michael and I had the opportunity of running our own delivery service all over the USA for close to 3 years.  We basically lived on the road in our truck but our brother in law, the one whom we bought the truck from kept putting off signing the title over to us and one night while everyone was sleeping, stole it. When he stole our truck, he stole our life.  Now we are left with no transportation and no way of making a living.  He owes us 8000.00 unless he gives our truck back.  We  don't want to have to go the legal route by taking him to court but right now we see no other way around it.  What really makes me upset is that he has all kinds of money coming in and he doesn't even need the truck, but he is the kind of person that needs to be in control of anything or anyone but he's not even in control of his own life.

  It seems like or actually is fact that all my life, people have been taking advantage of me. I am such a nice, laidback person that almost everyone that has ever been in my life has gotten over on me.  People make promises to me but rarely ever do what they say.  Do you know how that makes me feel?  It makes me feel like a nobody and in turn makes me wonder why I am even alive.

  I know in my mind that I am depressed, very depressed.  I have no interest in anything. All the things that I felt so deeply about in the past are gone. My physical needs or desires have diappeared, I am experiencing menopause symptoms very bad but nothing can be done about that or anything else because I don't have any health insurance.

  I don't think I ever really truly or completely grieved all my losses. My whole life basically went hell ever since we moved to Michigan and I lost my job at the Louisville UPS hub.  Back then I had a wonderful job, I had lost alot of weight and was physically toned, I had friends, I had a life with some sort of hope.  I don't even feel that I have hope anymore. If I do, it's not much.  There is so much that I hold inside because if I let it out, it would devistate some of the ones I love and hold dear.

  I am watching Dr Phil and there's a woman on there that is looking for a parental family to adopt her. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe if I could have a mom and a dad again, it would help to patch the hole I have in my life.  That gives me something to think about.  I'm too young to not have parents. I need to be able to be able to pick up the phone and talk to my mom and dad. So would you please help me by praying about this situation?  I need someone other then my husband to confide in, it's just normal to be able to call your mom when you hurt or have a problem.  My children need grandparents too.  I have a big void by not having my mommy and daddy.  I need to feel their arms around me, I need to hear them say I Love You.  It hurts so bad.

Monday, January 5, 2009

An Apology

  I want to apologize to anyone whom has been following my blog regularly. I have taken on another job so I have been unable to do any writing on my blog. I so wanted to write on my blog every day but I guess it is going to be impossible.

  Let me write a short quick entry about my new job. I am a Caregiver. I had a friend of a friend call me a say that her prior caregiver went bezerk while drinking and started throwing things and pushing her around. The police were called and I guess he even threatened them when they got there. Needless to say, he went to jail and they put a restraining order on him so he can't be anywhere near her. That's when I was called and asked to step in and become her new caregiver.

  When I got there for the first time I guess you might say I went into shock! That place was a total disaster area. There were broken items, broken glass all over the place and coffee all over the walls and furniture. He had somehow gotten past the chair where she spends most of her time and into her bedroom. He grabbed and thrown everything possible and you have to climb somewhat of a mountain of items just to get inside her bedroom door. I mean this place is a MESS!

  Although I have worked on it for several days it still looks as if nobody has touched it.  I am really trying to create some more income but this lady is very strange at times and I keep catching her in lies. I have worked so many hours and now I find out that I won't be paid for more then half of them.

  So please, please pray for me!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Special Treats to Eat

I don't know where it came from, I mean my mind was no where close to thinking about this. It just kind of popped into my head! All of a sudden I started thinking about snacks I use to make for my kids. This is really strange because I'm not even hungry. So here it is for any of you that might be interested. Keep checking back to this particular blog entry because I will no doubt in the future think of another recipe and add to it. If you try them I'd sure like to hear how you liked them.

First> PIGGIES IN A BLANKET (I'm sure you've all heard of those)

Take hotdogs and cut them in half so they arent too long for little hands. Take a tube of regular biscuits and flatten them. Place a 1/2 of a slice of cheese on each biscuit. On top of that place you hotdog. Roll the biscuit around the hotdog making sure the cheese is totally enclosed in the biscuit. Place on a cookie sheet and bake in a 350* oven. Bake at least 5 minutes then watch them close till they are a golden brown. Optional-you can use smokie links instead of hotdogs


On a cookie sheet place each half of a hamburger bun crust down. Then spoon on each bun either pizza sauce or spagetti sauce (I liked spagetti sauce best) On top of that, place whatever kind of cheese you want. You can add any other kind of topping you want depending on your preference. Pepperoni, mushrooms, etc......
Bake in 350* oven for about 15-20 minutes.


Get tubed biscuits. Flatten each one. On top of each one put either pizza or spagetti sauce. Then add some cheese and whatever else you want. Bake in a 350* oven until the biscuits are golden brown. IMPORTANT! It doesnt take long so watch them close.

All of the above recipes are a big hit with the little ones because they are just the right size! I've also found that the littiest ones remember these all their life so it almost becomes a tradition and they are easy enough for them to help out in making them. More then likely, they too will end uo making them for and with their children.

Few Words With Alot of Thought

  GIVING is it's own reward

 or you can look at it this way

  GIVING in it's purist form expects nothing in return

need I say more?

Sunday, December 14, 2008


   Thinking about past Christmas's  is one thing that I usually try to avoid but as I watch the shows (that I watched when I was a kid) sometimes I can't control where my mind wanders.  I go into a daydream mode that takes me back, back to a time where everything was happy and carefree.

  When you're small, you think things will always be the way they are. But as you grow and things happen whether good or bad, you realize that those things fade away, never to return.  The only thing you have left to hold onto is the memories and the hope that you always remember those.  In most cases, you take those memories and carry on the traditions that were instilled when you were young.

  It is alot of fun and it brings alot of happiness when you have small children of your own.  To do things with them like your Mom & Dad did with you. Also knowing that they probably did the same thing when they were little.

  There are different traditions that I tried to carry on in remembrance of my parents. When I was small until even after I grew up and got married, on Christmas Eve my mother would wait until it was almost bedtime and bring out 2 books.  We would go into her bedroom, sit on the bed and she would read the stories to us.  By us, I mean, myself and my brother and sister.  Yes, even after we grew up and moved away, we would all gather there on Christmas Eve to hear the stories.  Then when we got married, most likely our spouses would also join us to also share that special time.

  As each of our families grew, they also would go into the bedroom and listen to those 2 precious stories. One is very familiar to everyone and that is "The Night Before Christmas" only the one we were so blessed to hear was out of a child's book from some time before 1947.  The pictures were old and some of the words much different from those that are in the books today.

  The other story is well very unique.  It is not known to the present world.  It came out of an old magazine which I believe was only sent out to union members in the electrical trade way, way back when my grandfather was in his later teens. Now since my parents are gone and my grandparents gone years and years before them, well it is very very old.

  It was the story of "The Christ Child". It took place in a little town of Veringaria.  See, like I told you, nobody has ever heard of it.  I have that magazine, I have the book and yes, every year, my children would hear the story.  It was a tradition then and I am hoping that my children will carry on this precious tradition with their families.

  Although I have the originals, I made copies and gave to my children.  I only hope that they too will take time on Christmas Eve, gather on their bed and read the stories as it has always been. Then when their children grow up they will also get a copy of these to share with their families.

  My children are grow and gone so I cannot do as my mother did but some day I hope that I too can have my children and all my grandchildren come sit with me on my bed and hear the stories.

  Now back to what I originally started out to write about. I kinda got lost in the moment for a minute. As my mind wandered off into the past, I remembered something that could of been lost forever.  I dreamed of a time with my grandmother. Something that I only had the opportunity to do just a couple times. I had to get to a certain age before I could join in her tradition with each of her grandkids.

 I would visit her not too long after Thanksgiving and we would make special cookies.  The kind you DON'T eat!  We would make all shapes and sizes for the tree.  We would make them, bake them and paint them.  It was so much fun!  I can't believe that I had forgot that for so many years.  But as I grew and she passed away, I guess I just got too busy in my own life.  It's sad but true and what is worse is that somewhere deep down inside, you too have forgotten memories of good old fashion traditions.

  So here it is, your opportunity whether you be male or female, start this year with a family tradition of your own.  Please, don't get lost in this crazy, busy world.  Slow down for awhile and spend some quality time this your little loved ones.  If you haven't got a clue as to what to do, here is the recipe for Holiday Cookie Ornaments.

  1 cup salt                                                                     2 Tbsp, vegatable oil
  2 cups  flour                                                                Various cookie cutters
  1 cup water                                                                 Water-based paints

  Place all the dry ingredients in a bowl, add the water and oil, then stir till wel blended. Once the dough holds together, make it into a ball and knead it with your hands to make a smooth texture. Place the dough onto a cutting board and using a rolling pin, roll the dough out into a pancake like shape that is thicker then you would use for regular cookies.* you want them thick so they won't crack and break.
  Cut out the ornaments with cookie cutters, design your own ornaments using a blunt knife or shape the dough with your fingers. Punch or carve a hole into the top of the ornament to thread a string, ribbon or piece of yarn to hang it on the tree. (Don't add the straing until after you bake)
 Place on cookie sheet and bake at 250 until hard (1-2 hours)  Once they have cooled completely, paint with water-based paint or you can use glitter and white household glue.
Now you can add whatever you are going to use to hang them.
These ornaments can be used year after year!

  Have fun, make memories and make a lasting tradition that can be carried on years after your gone!