Friday, February 27, 2009

Time Marches On

If you've read my other posts then you know how I feel about Christmas. Well, I guess I just need to be honest to myself and to those closest to me. Christmas bothers me, I mean really bothers me but it doesn't end there although I wish so much that it did. Actually it's the whole winter season. Once, my favorite time of the year because of my love for ice skating and all but who knows why God chose to take such a wonderful time for me and totally turn it upside down is something I will never truly understand. But if I think about my life it really falls into the same ongoing cycle.

The only thing I've known for the majority of my life is hurt and pain. Ever since I can remember I have always had unexplained pains in my legs. Here I am almost 50 and I am still having to endure the same unexplained pains. Of course through the years I have added to the pain. You know back, knees, etc...

Getting back to winter time. Christmas unlocks the door to the new year and that is where in all starts. I am reminded time after time of those that are gone. Whether it be their birthday or the day they died, they come one by one as a marching army.

January isn't bad, I mean no dates jump out at me but once February comes along well here they come. February marks my Dad, Sister and Brothers birthdays. It also happens to be when my brother died. Then there's March. My Dad died in March. my mom's birthday and my parents anniversary. March also brings the birthday of my youngest, April and of course I can't forget my birthday.

Now April is in the air. Let's see, there's our oldest daughter Aimee and our son Michael's birthdays, mine and Michael's anniversary then....... my sister died. Also in there someplace is Easter.

Now can you see why I can't stand winter anymore? With all my aches and pains now the cold weather is definitely not my friend. Of course I am stuck living in one of the worst states for winter so I pretty much stick inside. That brings on the cabin fever and worse, depression.

You can believe me when I say that this year I am more depressed then I've ever been in my entire life. I hate it, it's awful. Day after day I sit in this apt, not having anywhere to go or do. I am so greatful that my daughter April lives up here in the cold country and brings our little granddaughter over for me to watch. Not too much but just enough.

For anyone who is not a grandparent cannot even come close to knowing how much joy those grand babies bring. They also have no idea just how bad it hurts to have grand babies that you aren't close enough to see. I have 4 that live in Kentucky and Georgia that I haven't been able to see in an awful long time. I have 2 that are so little that by the time I am able to visit them, they won't know who I am.

Now my older body is acting weird and I am in full blown menopause. Ladies, I pray that you don't experience what I am having to deal with. I can't get a good nights sleep because I constantly wake up 2 and 3 times in an hour in a full body sweat. I can no longer sleep in the same bed with my husband because the heat from his body or the touch of his hand throws me into another one. I'm lucky if I can get a good morning hug and kiss without serious consequences.

I am one person of many that don't have health insurance so I am unable to get any kind of relief. In fact I have many problems that need tending to but unless I go to an emergency room then I just continue to live in suffering. Maybe some day I will put trust in the medical profession but well.......Not Today!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Underneath it all There's Love

After being married for over 30 years, it's funny how people loose not just the sight but the feeling that the love has just gone out of the holy union. You can't even begin to imagine everything that Michael and I have had to endure over the years. There is so many things that has happened over those years that would of been grounds to just call it quits but being the people we are one of us was bullheaded enough to stick through it and hang on. When one would do something stupid, the other would hold on tight to those vows that we once took so many years ago. Now I thank God for each of those times and that we are still together.

I do have to admit that there has been times even now when that thought of leaving has entered my mind. Feeling that he had lost his real love for me because of where we are right now. Basically being forced in this suspended animation of the present and not going anywhere. Not seeing anyway out because of lack of any real direction.

He was always an inventive kind of person. Always finding something to bring in some sort of finances whether it be big or little. He was always a go getter so to speak, a self starter even though things never grew.

Let me try to explain alittle. I really thought there for awhile that he finally was going somewhere. He had started a lawncare business from nothing. From an old pick up truck and a regular mower in the back of a strange looking self made trailer to where he had a new truck and 2 or 3 different types of store bought trailers and several commercial mowers and several employees.

He had taken us from living in a 2 bedroom apartment to a 5 bedroom farmhouse which had 5 acres. We were living the American Dream. We weren't bring in millions or anything but he was providing a good life for our 3 children and I really thought we'd be there the rest of our life.

We had so many plans and ideas for that property. We had even hoped to be buried on that property. But how things do change right before your eyes. Through some bad decisions as well as 3 years of what you call acts of God like tornados, flooding and draughts everything changed.

Falling back little by little and not being able to make the whole payment and the mortgage holders not accepting partial payments, we ended up in foreclosure. I stayed up for days at a time trying to find someone to help us out. Contacting as many loan businesses that I could find online to see if somehow they would give us a loan so we could keep what we had worked so hard for.

Getting a court ordered appearance date in the mail I was really doing everything I could think of to find a loan before we were told to get out. I finally found a place that would give us that loan but they couldn't get us the money until 2 days after the court ordered deadline.
I contacted the authorities and told them the fantastic news only to be ripped apart by them saying "Sorry that won't be good enough" and we lost it all. In like a blink of an eye, it was gone.

I blame that on what happened to our family falling apart so to speak. Although our oldest, Aimee was old enough to be on her own, well she moved out to her own apartment. Our son pleaded to move to another state to live with his aunt and uncle and our youngest ended up thousands of miles away in a Christian run home for troubled kids. And last but not least, although we are still together, Michael and I ended up separated for awhile.

We got back together and a close relative offered us a solution to get our feet back underneath us for awhile, giving us false-hope of employment and a promise to start a business together. We took him up on the offer and moved to Michigan which led to me losing all my time that I had worked so hard for at UPS.

Because of all that, we now are living in a senior citizen/handicapped skyrise apartment building with his mother. For a couple years we have been able to maintain a hopeful outlook, being able to work and bring in money. Giving us both hope for a life back in Kentucky.

Through all that, we were able to start up our own business again but then that same relative, the one with all the promises, did some really mean and nasty things to us. Not paying us for the hours and hours we had worked for him and then by stealing the truck that we got from him finally paying us what he owed us.

Anyways after all that being said. Now and for the past year we have both sunk into a depression where it is hard for us to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I was always the one with to keep hopes up, always being optimistic about the future. Little did I know it but with each passing day, my will was disappearing. I had hopes of better times in which I still do but I was loosing my optimism.

Michael too was loosing his. After loosing the truck and no longer able to maintain our delivery business that we had, for awhile was able to do things like scraping to give us some income. But now with the economy the way it is, he's not able to make anykind of money on a steady basis. The hope I once had was disappearing little by little.

I was starting to feel as if his love for me was also disappearing because he would say he was going to get a job doing something only to see that fall by the wayside, several times over. I have had times of thinking of leaving, moving down to stay with our son who is now in the Army. I felt like Michael's love for me was all but gone.

That is why I am writing this today. Just to show you just how wrong I was. Michael was on the computer and was writing a letter to all our kids. I just figured it was a "how you doing, we miss you letter". This morning I got on the computer and was reading the emails that had came in over the past few days while I was down with the flu. Then for some reason I thought I'd get into the sent mail and read what he'd wrote.

As I read the letter, tears started to well up in my eyes. With each and every word I could see that his love for me was not gone, not at all. He still cares about me. Even though we don't say it much anymore and I thought his love for me was gone, I was really starting to know positively that that deep deep caring love was still there hidden under his depression.

It took me a long time to read his letter, mainly because my eyes were filled with so many tears that I couldn't see the words anymore. By the time I got done reading those words, all I could do was go into the other room and look into his eyes, tell him I loved him and put my arms around him.

I have went back and forth trying to decide if I should include his letter in my writings and then decided that unless I do, none of what I just shared with you would not make any sense. When you read his words that he so heartfully wrote to our children, you will see just how wrong we can be and see deep a love a person can have for one another.

Here is his letter:

Dear Kids,
I Know Y'all probably get pretty sick of hearing about how Depressed Your Dad is, but I gotta tell you that I'm scared! I have this huge hole in my heart because I 'm afraid that we as a family are all growing so far apart. I also have a lot of guilt because I know that I made so many mistakes along the way and as a result we are all scattered across the country. I can't change the past and what has happened as a result, but we can change the future.
There has been some good blessings that have came from our migration back to Michigan. Michael Met and married Jess and we have 2 more beautiful babies added to our tribe as a result...The same is true with April meeting Tyler and marrying him and now we have Alexis and Tyler's son Seth. We have a beautiful family and God has blessed us richly.
As I have been writing my memoirs, which you see in my blogs, I go back in time to those days when I was a kid and I realize how important it is to me to have those good childhood experiences that centered around growing up with my cousins, uncles, aunts, Grandparents etc. and then I think about how fast all of our kids are going to grow up, and I'm afraid that we will be depriving all these babies as well as ourselves of a lot of happy experiences and memories if we don't make a real effort and some quick decisions to do something about us all trying to come together as a family and give ourselves and these babies a chance to grow older together.
I know that as far as what is most practical that Aimee, Joe and the 2 boys are pretty much locked in to where they have to be because of Joe's job at GE and a mortgage on a house etc. and I think if the truth be told, April and Michael II would probably be more than happy with the idea of our families coming back to Kentucky or real close by...I know that would make your Mother and I very happy as we still feel like that Kentucky is our real home and that is where we would like to be more than anywhere else in the world.
It seems to your mom and I that Kentucky would be the most practical place for all of us to be. I think that Tyler would be open to it but he has expressed some concerns about how he would work out some of his situations in regards to Seth and be able to be in his son's life, but I really feel like the Lord would somehow make a way.
I do know this for sure that if it wasn't for being able to see April on a regular basis and being able to spend time with My precious little Lexie that I would probably lose my mind...Sometimes I feel like I'm right on the verge of it anyways and I do see all the pain and hurt your Mom goes through but thank God that little girl keeps us from totally losing our grip and she eases the pain in our hearts of missing everyone else...Also I thank God that Jessie talks to your Mom almost everyday and sends all those pics to her.
You should see the joy that brings her and I know that your Mom and Jess have bonded in a real special way and we are so thankful for that. I do know also that your mom wishes that hers and Aimee's relationship was on stronger footing and I feel like that would probably happen more readily if we all were living closer together,
I also got to tell you that we are just heartbroken over not being with the rest of the babies and watching them grow and getting to be a part of their lives. It just kills me that we haven't got to spend hardly any time at all with Ethan and Kierah and we are missing those early years with them and haven't bonded with those 2 like we have with 3-peat and Jaron.
I know that for now, Michael doesn't have any control over where they are living for now with him being in the army but unless he re-enlists, he only has a few more years to go.
April and Tyler are struggling financially and the both of them work like dogs all the time just trying to get by and I know they are wanting to get a place of their own and I'm afraid that if they do get locked into a commitment on buying a house around here somewhere then its just going to get harder and harder for us all to be living close to each other so the kids can grow up together as cousins. I personally think that would be tragic!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think That we would all have a much better quality of life and Tyler and April's opportunities for work and having Grandma and Papaw's help for raising the kids and I think that would also be a big help for Aimee and Joe as well, Mike and Jess too if your mom and I were around to help share the load in taking care of the kids... That would be your Mom's dream come true...For us to have our own home for the grandbabies to come over to Grandmas and Papaws house...She expresses that to me all the time...
We are not getting any younger and we know that you moms need the breaks to be able to get away from the kids every now and then and not have to worry about whether or not they are going to be safe and in a good environment....
I know I'm just rambling on and on but I have to believe that all of our lives would somehow be better and healthier if we had each other close by to call on for help and support rather than all of us all just struggling so much trying to get by and live our lives separately on our own... Does that make sense to y'all??? I don't know for sure how we make it happen but I guess I'm just asking that at least maybe we can start thinking about the possibility of it and pray about it and start looking into maybe some Job opportunities or business opportunities for April ,Tyler, your Mom and me and we are already looking into possibilities for property like an old farm with some acreage...
I know that Michael is into the idea and I think a working farm or ranch would be a good start for a means for all of us to make a viable living as well as a great place for the kids to grow up.
All I know is that I have got do something soon to start to get our lives back on track and I absolutely owe it to your mother to give her something to look forward to and help her find her hope in the future because right now she has a pretty gloomy outlook for the future and in many ways I see her almost on the verge of giving up...She is so unhappy and insecure and I think all of us owe it too her to help her find some hope for the future because she has always been the one that has worked so hard for all of us most of our lives wanting to make sure that we always had what we need and more importantly what we wanted...
She has been the one that was always looking out for us to make sure we were able to pursue our dreams and that we had what we needed to be happy. Let's try and see what we can do for her to help her find her dreams again and help her to find some happiness...She really needs to know right now how much she means to all of you and she deserves it!
If you all only really knew how much of your Mother's life and energy was devoted to you kids??? Anyways, please don't receive any of this as a guilt trip or manipulation of some kind...I'm just sharing what's on my heart and if I could do this all by myself and fix everything...I would, but I can't and I need your help! I love you. Dad

That's true and pure love.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Never Not Finish What You Started

Well it's Superbowl Sunday all over the United States. If there was a way to look inside each house you would most likely see 60% of the televisions on that game. I never paid much attention to the game myself even when I cheered for my school's team.

I really got into it when our son decided that he wanted to play football back when he was in elementary and got on our local kids football team. I went from knowing nothing to just about everything there was to know about the game.

Now that he is grown and in the Army, I am back to my first feelings of the game. I don't care to watch it, no matter which teams are playing. I can understand how parents get into the different sports when their kids are playing but I cannot figure out why you'd want to watch it for any other reason.

Well I can't say I don't ever watch it and I can't say that I don't enjoy it at times but it has to be the right time and the right circumstance. I like watching it when it's just me and my hubby and we can lie around half dressed on the couch but that never happens around here. The other time I enjoy it is when we are sitting around with a bunch of other couples talking, eating hot wings and there is other activities to do like sing karaoke or maybe play texas holdem.

I remember back when we had our own place and we'd invite friends over to watch the games with us. We'd also have our kids at home with us too. Now those were some good times!

I am anxiously awaiting for our grandson's and grand daughter's to grow old enough to become athletes. It's the years in between that are just so boring.

I guess I need to explain something. Maybe the reason this blog makes no sense is because it is now March and I just realized that I never finished this. I'm trying to think back to what I wanted to originally write about but it's no use, I just can't remember! But, at least I tried!

Flood, Tornado, Graduation and No Electric and Water

I watched a movie on the Hallmark channel called "Candles on Bay Street" It was about a girl who moved back to her hometown because she was sick. She was on a mission to find a real home for her son with neighbors that care for one another. This movie came very close to a part of my life. She had Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

My mother died of this same condition. As I watched, thoughts went through my mind of how the last part of my moms life must of been like. It also raised up a bitterness towards my family because they never came out and told me just how bad, how serious her condition was. While she lived in Michigan and I in Kentucky, I was in their mercies.

I don't know if they didn't tell me everything to keep me from worrying or what the true reason was. They would tell me she was doing fine and even sometimes would say she looks like she getting better. That is the cause for my bitterness now that I had watched that movie.

If I would of been told the truth, told just how serious she was and her life expectancy then I would of went to Michigan to be with her and take care of her. I really feel like I missed out on the most important time in my moms life.

Nobody ever shared with me about how serious this form of cancer was. They would say things like, she has cancer but it's only non Hodgkin's lymphoma so to me that in itself led me to believe that it wasn't that bad.

Now that I know what it is and I understand that it progresses quick, I feel I've failed as her daughter. She took care of me when I was small and sick and I should of been there taking care of her. Even as sick as she was, my brother brought my mom and my dad down to Kentucky where we lived just to see our home because I wanted her to. That's how much they loved me.

They came down to see our home plus attend my oldest daughters graduation but they got way more then that! On the trip down, the weather was terrible. They had to drive through a torrential rain storm for about 100 miles then had to stop at a motel because the roads were flooded. By the time they woke up the next morning, the entire parking lot was flooded and so was the vehicle they were driving.

There also was a tornado that destroyed the town we lived in along with trees downed over every road going back to our house. They finally made it back to our house to find that we didn't have any electric and no water! We housed 15 people during all that and came out just fine but it sure made their trip more memorable.