Sunday, November 30, 2008

Can the World Get Good Again?

Another year has come and is almost gone. You look out the window and you see hints of green and red. It is that time of the year when people take on a whole different attitude of smiles, friendliness, kindness and caring. It's this time of the year when hope comes alive once more or at least alot more then usual. It is when even the meanest gang banger turns a bit nicer, maybe it's because they still have hope that Santa will bring them something other then an empty stocking.

This time of year is when the shows on television seem to have a less then normal awfulness about them. They bring out the family oriented shows, the be kind to your fellow man kind of shows. The kind of shows that make you feel good, the kind that you wished they have all year long.

I am an older person but not that old (I don't think) but I can remember when bra commercials first came on tv and the women had to wear a leotard underneath and people thought it was so terrible, so almost X-rated. Boy have times changed! Now it's nothing to turn the channel and see an almost naked female in a g-string. I remember when there were only 3 channels on tv. I remember black and white tv. Some of this changing world has gotten better but I'd be safe to say that 75% of it has gotten worse. I almost wish I could turn back time to make this world a cleaner, safer place for our children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Make it to where you could let them walk to the corner store by themselves and you knew they would be safe. Now days even at my age I'm alittle scared to walk by myself and I can see the store from my window!

What made the world change so much for the worst? Who is responsible? Can't they change it back gradually and make it alittle more like it used to be? If it keeps going forward at the rate it has over the past 30 years, we are in a heap of trouble. I can't even fathom what this world will be like for those just now being born. I have to say that it scares the hell out of me. If I knew then what I know now I would of probably thought long and hard about bring new lives into this world.

I love my kids, I love my grandkids, but I am so sorry that they had to grow up in a world as it is today. I wish I could move out west, out away from all the city life and live life simple and safe. I'd have all my children and their children move there with me and start our own town. Grow our own food, make our own clothes, live off the land. I wouldn't completely isolate them from the outside world but I sure wouldn't have them living right in the middle of it.

It wouldn't be perfect but it would be alot more perfect then what we live in now! And you know what. They would probably grow up alot smarter then most kids now days. Sure, they'd have computers for learning but they sure wouldn't be allowed to sit infront of it for countless hours playing video games! We didn't allow our kids to have nintendo or x-box and our kids are alot more healthy and alot smarter then alot of their friends. They don't have weight problems and they know how to relate to people of all ages.

If parents would just do one thing like make their kids NOT sit inside the house glued to video games or the computer, I think the world would start changing for the better. If they would sign them up for sports, the old fashion kind where you had to be good enough to play or get a trophy instead of the way it is now, I think the world would start changing for the better.

I could go on and on with this subject but it is late and I need to sleep so all I am asking is for you to think about it. What would you do to help this world change for the better?

Friday, November 28, 2008

Should you Give Up?

How many times has someone close to you said they'd do something and haven't? I don't know about you but when I tell somebody I'm gonna do something, it might take some time but I do my best to do it and get it done. The only time I don't is when I have completely forgotten whatever it is I was supposed to do but as soon as something triggers it back into my memory I do it.

How much hope and trust do you put into those words that people hand out so often? How many times do those things not come to pass before you realize that all they are is empty words? Time after time I hear those words, they give me hope, Then time after time I get disappointed. Sometimes the things are trivial but every once in awhile they are things that will completely change your life! Broken promises are much to common a thing now days.

I guess when you hear it, you just gotta take that chance. It might just be that one time when they will do what they say. Even though that person has repeatedly told you they'd do something and haven't, you're afraid not to believe them because that just might be the time they do complete their promise. So what do you do? All I do is listen ands hope that someday, someway I will get what was promised to me. Hope and keep the faith.

The Christmas List

I have been feeling under the weather as they say. In other words....I am sick! Anyways, although I feel like crap I have been enjoying countless hours of watching different Christmas shows on television. Most of them I have never seen before. One especially I enjoyed, it's called "The Christmas List". It isn't one of the greastest all timers but it really got me to thinking. Why not make a Christmas List? A old fashioned Wish List? Even though you probably won't get any of it anyway and more then likely you won't show it to anyone then WHY NOT make a list of things you want no matter how out-ragous!

For year after year my husband and my kids ask me the same old question of what do you want for Christmas? And year after year I can't think of anything I really want, only things I need. Things that make the most sense logically and finacially. I think what I am trying to do is get into the spirit. I'll try anything at this point since for countless years this has been the most depressing time of the year for me.

I have figured out something that I really really want but unfortunately it is just a wish and it will always be a wish. No one on earth can give it to me. I would like "Dreams" yes I said dreams. From now until Christmas I would like to have a different dream everynight where memories of my past would feel like they've came to life. That would be the next best thing to being the real ones.! Silly isn't it. It'll never happen but that's what I want. The next thing one my list would include me remembering the dream or memory and writing it down and making a book out of all of them for myself to read over and over throughout the year and years to come.

So get out your pad of paper and pen, sit down and write a nice long list of things you want regardless of how big or small, regardless of how unrealistic and make your list!

Switching Gears

I think I want to switch gears here and talk about something entirely away from the holiday season. As I was watching the local news, they made some remarks about the presidential turkey and my mind wandered back in time to a happy time. It was when our family of 3 lived down in DeRidder, Louisiana.

We had a pet baby Brahman bull when we lived in Louisiana, he was 3 days old when we bought him from the auction. We had to do the whole bottle thing. Our daughter was 2 or 3 at the time and it was too cold outside for the bull to stay outside for the night so my daughter slept next to him on the floor sharing her blanket. The following night the crazy thing climbed up in the bed with her! We had alot of happy and crazy times with "Sugar". I remember we had our family come in to visit our house for the first time. My parents and my husbands aunt and grandparents (his papaw was an old regular baptist preacher) I was in the kitchen preparing dinner while the rest were visiting in the frontroom. All of a sudden I hear a screech so I ran into the other room and found Sugar walking through the diningroom! He had let himself in the french screen doors. I was mortified but every else were rolling with laughter. That was only a couple of many, many stories I have about good ole Sugar

All my life I had animals. Believe me, if you don't own an animal, you are really missing out on the chance of having some fun and happy times and the opportunity of holding the memories in your heart and then telling them to your children and grandchildren. Some of the best memories I have of childhood is when I was sitting next to my mother and listening intently to her telling me the stories of when she was little with her pets and also of when I was little with mine.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Will It Ever End?

Well after all the stress and hell I endured preparing for the famous Thanksgiving feast, I apparently caught the stomach flu bug my daughter had last week.  I guess got my immune system down. Anyways, after having to miss out on my grandaughter's 1st birthday and make dinner, I couldn't eat a thing. I'm really starting to wonder if my being forced to live here for all these years has caused me to get an ulcer.  I'm getting paid to do this stuff because she's not able.  Oh will it ever end??

I know it might sound like I'm picking every little thing apart but believe me. When I'm sick it seems like everything irritates me.  Like our place was the last in line for everyone else to come to today so I knew that it would really only be 3 people that would be eating all the food. While preparing I took all that information and tried to make it to where we wouldn't have gobs of leftovers.  I hate wasting food and because of her there will be alot of food getting thrown in the garbage.

It's after midnight and all day I have kept saying how wore out and tired I was but you know what, I'm still up and going strong.

I guess it's safe to say that I'll have alot to write about so I'll be around here blogging for a  long time!  You lucky people. LOL

Taking Off Their Clothes

Well here I am once more. I got to do one of my most favorite things this evening. My daughter called and asked if my little grandaughter could come over for awhile and although I had a thousand things to do I just couldn't turn it down. I enjoy being able to spend time with my grandkids. I only wish it was possible for me to be able to have them all come spend time with me but since I have 2 in Kentucky and 2 in Georgia, well it's impossible. I am so happy that I have at least 1 here in Michigan close enough for me to have a relationship with.

My little Lexie is such a live wire. She keeps me very busy while she's here. In fact I do believe she's the reason I've lost about 15 pounds the last couple months. God Bless her little heart. I should say big heart because she has so much love to give. She just now this day turned 1 years old and even though she is so young, she is so helpful. I didn't think I'd get much done around here while she was here but I think I got more done then I would of if she hadn't been here!

I had to peel 5 pounds of potatoes for tomorrow and she was very interested in what I was doing so I let her help me. She sat on the counter next to me and I took off the potatoes clothes. I figured she could relate to that language. Then she watched while I chopped them into smaller pieces. I told her that the big potatoes were having babies, alot of babies. I filled the pan with water and sat it in the sink on the other side of her.

I told her that all those little potatoe babies were dirty and needed to take a bath. I would then hand her each piece one by one and she would throw them in the bath water. She seemed to be enjoying herself immensely but she was definitely taking her job seriously. Well I grabbed 2 pieces instead of one, she took both of them and at the same time threw them into the water. There it was, a big plop and splash! Well that tickled her funnybone I guess because she got the biggest grin on her face.

That changed the whole outlook of this job she was performing so seriously. After that, handfuls of potatoes would go flying into the water and the plops would become bigger and bigger! Oh what joy! Just about that time she got a good plop on it and SPLASH! The water went everywhere and here came the belly giggles. I have never had so much fun peeling a bunch of potatoes! Now everytime I have to do that dreaded job, I don't think it will be so bad because of this wonderful memory we made together.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Frustration Continues

I will be so happy when I have my own house and can do what I want when I want for the holidays!  Sure, doing the dinners were stressful but it was an enjoyable stress. You know what I mean?

Now I'm in someone else's house and I have to do the dinner the way they want and they get to invite whomever they want. I went from being invited to someone else's house for Thanksgiving to having to stay back and cook for 1 extra person yesterday to an extra 5 people. So much for a relaxful time. Thanks

I know, I know, loosen up, go with the flow right? Ahhh........ I could just scream. I feel like I don't own my life. I have no control of my life. I am constently being pushed and shoved to do things I don't want to do. I know jobs are like that but when your job is 24 hours a day it kind of gets monotonous. You know what I mean?

Oh my gosh, there's 3 of us in this tiny rabbit warren as my mom called apartment buildings and it seems like everytime the urge hits me or my husband,.
The other thing that drives me crazy is.  Now this is something eerie or creepy, however you want to put it. Her husband is deceased. He actually died in the room and bed she is in. She has a picture on the wall of him and we catch her talking to him all the time! She also has a picture of a grandson who committed suicide a few years ago and she talks to him too. This is NOT normal and is not right! She said they don't talk back but we've hid and listened to some of the conversations and we've heard some stuff where she was answering questions so you tell me, what do I do? I'd like to tell her doctor but under that stupid privacy act, it is forbidden. I don't know what to think, I mean do we have a spirit or ghost lingering in this apartment? I do have to admit, I get a weird feeling whenever I go into that room. If they are here then how do you make them leave? I can't even feel free enough to have private times with my husband. I feel like someones watching all the time. We've suggested the idea of moving and she's dead set against it. Well I'm planning on moving as soon as we possibly can, she can stay here with them if she wants to. LOL

Just Can't Focus

Here I am again after another once again long sleepless night. I don't know if depression is causing more pain or the pain is causing more depression. All I know is that I am both. This morning I believe the pain is the major issue. Stemming from acrossed from the pulling of my lower spine and the top of my hiney on the leftside then radiating down my left leg. Oh my gosh it's painful. And what's so sad about the whole thing is I've been from doctor to doctor and they treat me like I'm making it all up! I know what I'm feeling. I wish for one minute they could feel what I feel, then maybe I would get some form of satisfaction. This has been going on for years now.

I see all these people that go to doctors that don't have pain and they have a non-stop stream of pills which they don't need which in turn, turns them into drug addicts. Then you have others like me that has real problems and can't get any relief. What is wrong with the medical profession these days? In this day and age it seems like they would have somekind of machine they could hook you up to that could measure the pain a person is in. If there is then I have yet to come across a doctor to use it on me.

Years back I hurt myself at work. In fact after the injury it's like there was a sign of "make her suffer" stamped on my forehead. I don't know if it's my low threshold for pain or my high threshold for pain relievers but I continue to suffer day after day. Of course I go for spurts where it's tolerable and doesn't seem to bother me as much but then there's other times when I just can't shake the discomfort. This present run of pain has lasted for a few weeks now and it makes it harder and harder for me to function from day to day.

I think with the time for the year and the pain being so over-bearing just makes the upcoming holiday season that much worse. I also found out during an ER visit during a severe migraine that I has a condition called Chiari. Which, after tons and tons of research I believe adds to the reason I feel pain so much worse. It has something to do with the cerebellum (which is at the base of the brain). From what I understand, I was born with it. It is a birth-defect and is alot more common then not but it goes undected and for the most part doesn't rear it's ugly head for most people. Unfortunately in my case it has.

Now the problem I have is to locate a knowledgeable physician to help take care of this ongoing problem for the rest of my life. I'm wondering, if it's possible to walk into a doctors office, tell them I'm looking for a doctor and just meet them if just for a second to shake hands. I think I'm a good judge of character and will be able to tell by the touch of the hand if they are a caring person or not. Is that possible?

I think I'm delirious this morning and just rambling on and on. It is impossible for me to focus on anything other then this intense pain so I think I will just stop for now and hopefully be able to do some constructive writing later today.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Don't forget Make-Believe

The past 3 or 4 days I've been glued to Christmas shows. I'm really trying to swing this blah holiday feeling. I have grandkids now, I just gotta get that old holiday spirit. I want so much to enjoy Christmas again.

I probably believed in Santa for alot more years then most but you would of had to know my parents to understand that. I know that when I did find out it was all make believe, Christmas did change alittle bit for me but I still got into the spirit every year. I used to have so much fun when my kids were very small. But then things happened, no more Santa and well I really think that was the beginning of the end.

After that, my Mom and Dad had so much Christmas Spirit it just overflowed into me! That hung on for awhile until they passed away along with my brother and sister. After that and with the kids no longer believing in Santa. That was the end of me and the holidays. From Halloween, Thanksgiving to Christmas, I'd just rather disappear.

Now I have grandkids and I hope they all believe in Santa until they are the ripe old age of 100! Sure, Santa isn't really real but he is the root of the spirit to me. I didn't grow up in a church going house so to me, Santa means giving to others, being unselfish, making people happy. Now I am older and a Christian I know that Jesus is the reason for the season but in this crazy mixed up world, they don't understand that Jesus gave it all, totally unselfish and the gift of true happiness.

I guess I am like that good old saying, A child learns what they live. No matter what I know is real and true, Santa is the giving spirit. That is the one thing I haven't lost. I haven't lost the giving spirit, in fact that's ALL I want to do, year around! That's why I don't understand why it's so hard for me at Christmas. It's like I can't give enough. I feel I need to give more and more but I can't.

To me, Christmas means loneliness. Not having those you love around you. It means a day of unhappiness and missing those you love so much. It means moms not having their daughters, daughters not having their moms. Moms not having their sons and sons not having their moms. It means Dads not having their daughters and daughters not having their dads. I mean the list goes on and on. Sisters, brothers, grandmas and grandpas. It's just so sad. It's a reminder of what is lost forever, year after year after year.

There is so many parents out there that don't let their kids believe in Santa but I think they need Santa. I think they need to believe in something they can't see. That way when they get introduced to Christianity it won't be so hard for them to believe in God. Another whom cannot be seen. I think God created Santa just for that reason. You might say the same thing for the rest of them like the toothfairy, Easter Bunny, etc..... I wish I would of thought of this years ago because right now it all makes perfect sense to me. Of course I could be wrong but think about it, ok? Don't be so quick to stomp out Santa or stomp out their dreams of make believe.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Don't Miss Out!

I was having a conversation with another adult today. The question came up "Why do some adult children distance themselves from their parents and siblings? Do they do it on purpose or don't they realize that they are doing it? Is the reason because they are ashamed of them? Do they think their childhood was that bad? or is it a reason that they themselves don't know the answer to?

I myself have a different perspective since both my parents and siblings are all past away. Actually I have lost more then them. I also have no grandparents, aunts or uncles. Although I had a good childhood and I was close to my family, I wish I was even closer to them while they were here. I told my parents often that I loved them and cared for them. My brother and sister also knew how I felt. And even though we lived a few hundred miles away, we had many conversations on the phone so we kept as close as we could. In fact, there were many times I would pack myself and the kids up in the car on a Friday afternoon and we'd drive up to spend the weekend.

I do have to admit that since I lost my family at such a young age, I try to not get too close to people except my own family. Husband, children and grandchildren. I know that I am probably missing out on alot of blessings and goodtimes because of it.

I need to have closeness with my family. People just don't realize alot of times that in an instant one could be gone. Parents need their kids, kids need their parents. Grandchildren need their grandparents. They need to know the love that grandparents have to give. It's probably gonna sound weird or maybe even crazy but that why I insist my grandkids call me grandma instead of mamaw. I feel there's alot of difference between the two.

To me, a grandma is an all around person filled with love, fun, and a gift more often then not. A mamaw is one that only has words and an occasional hug. They don't have or show the love that they could or should. To me grandma's mean so much more then mamaw's. In all my childhood, I never even heard of the word mamaw. I never knew it existed until I met my husband's family. Watching his family over the years is the reason I ave came to this conclusion. I'm sure that it's not this way with everyone's family but it is in ours.

So my message to all of you parents out there that still have little ones at home. You cannot grasp the heartfelt message that I'm trying to get out. To those of you who still have parents that are alive, don't quite get it. Someday they will be gone and you will wish that you weren't so distant from them and you'll wish that your kids could have gotten to know them. You just don't know how much love you and your kids are missing out on.

So my plea to you is to pull them closer then you ever have before. Cherish the times you have together and do it as often and as possible as you possibly can. If it impossible to be together because of lifestyles and miles then at least keep close over the phone or internet.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Good Old Cornbread Dressing

I usually get asked around this time of the year so I'm gonna blog it for everyone that might want it!

Although I dont use measurements anymore since I've made it for 30 plus years I will do my best.
Just remember, I always make alot so you might want to cut down the amounts.

Make a cornbread with a cornmeal mix. Let it cool then crumble it in a BIG bowl.
While your cornbread is baking, Lay out about a 1/2 to a full loaf of bread to dry out alittle. Crumble the bread into small pieces. Put that in the bowl with the cornbread. Dice or chop up a couple big onions into the bowl. Add salt, pepper, accent, seasoned salt and sage. Mix it well. Keep adding sage until you can smell it! (you can taste test if you want)

Now in another bowl, add a can of chicken broth, 2 cans of water and a stick of margarine and microwave until liquidy. Pour into cornbread mixture. Repeat this step until mixture is moist! Then add anywhere from 6 to 8 eggs.
Get your hands into the mixture and get it completely mixed together! This is no time to be a neat freak. LOL

Wash your turkey real good with cold water making sure you remove the bag of innerds! Place your clean turkey in a cooking bag. Fill all the holes in the turkey with your stuffing mixture.

*** some people bake their turkey upside down to help keep the breast moist

Most likely you will have extra stuffing so set your bagged turkey in the pan and start placing the rest of the stuffing all around the turkey. When your done, gather the end of the bag and blow it up. Put the bag tie on then don't forget to poke a couple small holes in the top of the bag!

Place in the oven and cook as directed! It should be delicious, if not, don't blame me! LMAO

*Let me know if you try it and how you liked it!

A Call For Help

I am a mother of a soldier. I am very greatful that my son is state side for the holidays but there are thousands who are not.

While I was surfing the web I ran acrossed something that really touched me. It is called HOLIDAY MAIL FOR HEROES. I have a deep conviction for this as do alot of those here in America.

So here is my Call for Help. Please, everyone that reads this, please participate. Send Christmas Cards to this address.

P.O. Box 5456
Capital Hill, MD

Please, get involved. Ask your church, workplace, etc to get involved in this. Copy my plea and paste it into emails and send it out to evryone in your address book. Let's make sure that those fighting for our freedom know they are remembered and thought of during this holiday season.

Like I told my girls. Write alittle something inside the card just to say Thanks. Then if you put your name and address they might just send a response or maybe become a penpal!

So to those that do this, I want to say Thank You for thinking of those that are away from their family this year.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Making Memories

  While emailing my oldest back and forth this morning some things of the past came to mind.  This weekend, my youngest along with her husband Tyler and daughter Alexis (Lexie for short) are traveling down to Louisville Kentucky for a short visit.  My oldest, Aimee has 2 boys. Jaron 3 and Ethan 1.  It just so has it that Ethan turned 1 on November 9th and Lexie will turn 1 on November 27th.

  I wrote that I'd love to be a fly on the wall so I could see and hear the interactions between the two 1 year olds.  Then it occured to me they Aimee and April would get a taste of the samething I went through.  I told Aimee that what the two didn't think of, Jaron would!  That's when it hit my mind.  When April was about the same age, I watched my nephew Joshua that was the same age as her.  I also had my son that was 2 years older.  So there it was two 1 year olds and a 3 year old.  That just assured me so much more of what both my daughters were going to experience.  Oh what joy!  You know how they say "what goes around comes around" LOL!!!!

  Paybacks!  Well what I went through so many years ago, my oldest also got a taste of it seeing that she was 10 at the time and would have to help keep an eye on them if I had to cook or take a potty break.  I don't know if she remembers back then but I'm sure her memory will get jolted after just a few minutes.  I am so hoping that they will take alot of pictures and video. Got to have video of this!  Although I will be a few hundred miles away from the interaction, in my mind I will have a continuous smile.

  That house is gonna be turned upside down and inside out but the memories that will be made will always be unforgetable.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Inner Feelings Sometimes Hurt

This morning my husband Michael has been watching that guy on tv that eats all those weird foods from around the world. It's gotten him into the mood to do some cooking. Experimenting really. Someone from our building gave him some pig skins so that is one of the things he's trying to create with. Anyways, it reminds me of years ago when I was invited to his house to have dinner with him and his family. I will never forget that dinner. The meat they served was pig ears, yes you read right. Pig Ears! I never heard such a thing and actually never have since. He swears up and down that I'm wrong but you never forget something as weird as that! I'm I right? Did I eat it? Ah.. No Way! That's downright gross no matter how you look at it. They all acted like it was an everyday thing and I being in love just chalked it up as, they were from the south and people eat different stuff down there. To this day he still says they never ate pig ears but I know better.

I still question why someone would fix something so gross for a first meeting with their child's girlfriend/boyfriend except to try and scare them off! I sure wouldn't do it and actually I don't know anyone else that would either!

I will never ever forget the things I seen and heard in that household. I had never been around anykind of abuse or neglect until I met Michael. No wonder he clung to my parents like nothing I'd seen before. I do have to admit that I felt sorry for him and his brother and sister and I a that point decided I would rescue him from that awful place. If not it had been for love, I would of ran as fast and as hard in the other direction!

I grew up in a loving and caring home. No yelling or meaness. No abusive treatment or punishments. Things were dealt with, in love. Totally opposite from what his home was at any given time of the day or night. For one example, all or most parents want their children to finish school, right? The parents tried as best they could to provide for their children so they could finish school. Not them, he was forced to pay rent so he had to get a job and miss school. I think if it hadn't been for meeting me and seeing what a normal family life was all about, he would of always thought his life was normal. He would of continued to live in his parents home and suffer. Instead, he chose to move out at the age of 15 and get his own apartment. Sure, things were tough but a whole lot better then they were with his parents. And of course after I shared with my parents what kind of home he came from, they too tried to help him out as much as possible. I'll never forget their faces when I told them what I had seen and heard.

Another example I can give is about Michael's sister. While I was visiting I watched as she was forced to get down on her hands and knees with a scrub brush and sweep the carpet trying to rid it from dirt and dog hair. They had a long haired kind of a shepherd/collie mix dog. It took her hours and hours. In fact if I remember correctly she had to finish that to their liking before she could do her homework.

His parents were alcoholics and drug addicts. Both of which I had never been subject to. When they had any spare moments you could always find them down the hill at the corner bar or if they were home they were drinking. I still can't imagine what those kids went through. It seems like to me that they would of all stayed as far away from drugs and alcohol when they got older but you learn what you live and each one of them has been plagued with both at one time or another. I'll never completely understand it.

You ask, Aren't you worried about writing this where everyone can read it? I'm asking myself that yes. But you can't always be afraid to say something. Besides, I'm only saying what I myself had seen, I'm not making things up. I know that there's alot of people that don't know alot of what the past was like for some of us. Like my kids, they don't quite get why we are the way we are. I think they need to know so they can kind of understand and hopefully be alittle bit more understanding.

I have to say that I have not completely gotten over the shock of things I had seen and heard in that household. To me, it was like a never-ending nightmare and I fortunately got to leave and go home where I could escape it but those that lived it every minute of everyday had to endure. That make's me know and kind of understand why they are the way they are and I have to say I feel sorry for them. All of them. I have to say that for awhile I didn't really think they'd make it to adulthood. Since then, I've had my own nightmares that I've had to endure and overcome. Not all have I conquered but I keep working towards that goal.

Even though I could go on and on about all the things I witnessed I won't. Not all of them are vivid in my head. Those I've mentioned so far a just a couple that are vivid. There is one other that I just have to get out. Michael had a room fixed in the basement of their old runned down tatered house that they rented. It also doubled as a hangout of sorts for all his buddies. They all sat around down there and smoked pot. Did I tell you that his parents were the first to introduce Michael to pot? That alone gives you an idea of what kind of family he came from. Anyways, back to what I was saying. Their were several of us downstairs, his stepfather came down, I can't recall exactly what happened but the next thing I know is that his stepfather had a pistol in his hand and was hitting Michael with it. I'm pretty sure that gun was loaded and it put us all at risk of being fatally injured. I never forgot it and never forgave him for that or all the rest of things. I will never understand how a parent could be so mean.

I never forgot or forgave his mother for not being a mother and protecting her kids from that sort of thing. I don't know maybe because she was part of the problem. Maybe she too was being abused? But I still can't understand how a mother could stand by and watch her kids being tormented just about every minute of every day. I know they say love is blind but where was her protection instinct?

I know people say that it takes more work to be mad at someone but I have tried for years and it really takes more work to not be mad. Actually in my case, it's alot easier to not care for someone, to not like them. Besides, when they think you are their friend then it's like you can't get rid of them, you can't escape them. Now, my mind is tired and I need to take a break.

I'm sure this blog alone will cause alot of hurt and upset but like I've been told, keeping these kinds of things bottled up inside isn't healthy. So I guess people can just be mad at me but they'll get over it sooner or later.

Monday, November 17, 2008


Ok people I have a question. First I want to get it acrossed...... I HATE WINTER!!!!! Michigan has went totally stupid this year and have planned to Not clear the roads as usual. I have watched message ribbons acrossed the bottom of the tv screen all day and night with accident after accidents being reported. I live downtown on a main street corner which is also directly across the street from the hospital, the emergency vehicle route and as I look out the window, they aren't even keeping it clear!

Now back to my question. Where can I move were it doesn't have any or very little snow? Also it can't get too cold in the winter months, no hurricanes, few tornados, not too hot in the summer months. Give me a few minutes and I'll think of somemore requirements. It would be great to find somewhere that would stay in the mid 70's year around wouldn't it. So far, is it possible?

Ok I can relax alittle. Try anywhere from 60 degrees to 75 degrees. It doesn't have to be sunny all the time, I like alittle rain once in awhile. I just can't stand it too hot or too cold. In order to keep my sanity or help ward off most depression, I need to be where I can go outside and take a walk, ride a bike, something. I just now started steadily taking off weight and go figure, it's winter and you know what happens in the winter months.

I'd like to start a website. I know this is a website but I'd like to generate alittle money from one.. I sure could use some help. It would have to be funded by sponsors because the type of site I'd like wouldn't make people subscribe. I'd tell you what it is but then well, I'd have to kill ya. LOL No actually I'm afraid that some dishonest person would steal my plan.

I have another option for making money and that would be to get someone to go into my storage unit and sell off a bunch of it. I know there's got to be some good money making old stuff in it. Why do I get in the mood to do it when it gets too cold outside to be able to do it?

Another thing, I noticed it just today. I can go for long periods of time without being hungry even days sometimes but when it's cold and I'm bored, I'm always hungry. Really, if I'm really really bored I eat just for something to do. I need your prayers for this problem. I have lost 22 pounds and I don't want to gain it back! The other thing I need or want prayer for is the ability to stop drinking so much Pepsi. I know it's not really healthy for me but right now I think that's how I'm staying alive. If I don't eat anything else at least I'm getting calories from Pepsi.

Have you ever heard of anyone that can't drink water? Well every time I drink water it makes me nauseated. Is there a medical condition for that? I'd sure like to know what it is. I also can't drink diet drinks because of what they use in it for sweetener. It makes me feel weird and the last time I drank some it made me feel like I was on acid. That would be great if I liked that kind of thing. I won't lie, there was a time in my teenage years, just imagine, I could of got high legally! To think about it I'm glad I didn't know or I might of turned out worse then I am.

Hmm.... that also reminds me of something else told to me long long ago by a doctor I had. She told me that I had some kind of medical condition that started with a P that made my body act opposite to different medications. Anybody got an idea what that word might be? I'd sure like to locate my old medical records from her but I have no idea where she is anymore. Unfortunately alot of my medical records were long before computers, lost in time.

Just like everything else about my past........Lost in time.

Not intential

I started writing an email to someone alittle while ago with the intent of it being just a hi how ya doin kind of thing and before I knew what was going on, I went into a totally different thing. I'd like to get into it more but it's actually it's something between me and that person. So, sorry. If you're anything like me that alone will drive you crazy but like I said, I'm sorry. Can't do. All I can say is this. Have you ever just felt like something was wrong ? You know, with someone or something? Well that's what I'm going through, I guess as a mother I'm gonna get that, alot.

Have you ever said something to someone and it came totally different then it was supposed to? or at least they took it totally different? I know I have. Several times. I have said things at times with the intent of trying to help or comfort and it's been taken the I was satan himself. What really hurts is when you try to give your kids advice and they take it wrong and get mad at you. It's times like that when you totally question yourself as a parent or even a good person. I guess I'm just alittle worried that what I wrote to this person will be taken wrong and they will be mad at me.

Wow! It's happened again. I had a totally different subject I was going to write about today and look what happened. Maybe it's just not the right time to try to sit here and write on my blog.

I'm not really feeling myself today. I am run down and very tired. Maybe I'll just stop for now and take a nap.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


Well here I am again, another sleepless night. As I look up at the wall the clock reads 3:05 am. I am more awake at the moment then I was all day long. I hear lack of sleep takes off years of ones life so after several days/nights of this I guess my life will drastically be cut alot shorter.

My youngest called me earlier in the evening and asked if I would babysit again and at the time she called I could barely keep my eyes open but now as it turns out, I'm awake and I could of watched her. As the days are getting shorter and the nights are getting colder I know that winter is soon to set in and the snow covered streets will be surrounding us. That is why I told myself that I wanted to babysit as much as possible before the roads become to dangerous for them to drive all the way into town to drop her off. I messed up tonight's chance but actually she wouldn't of gotten here until way past her bedtime so I wouldn't of been able to do anything but watch her sleep so I guess I don't feel too bad over it. I do feel bad because I had to turn down my daughter's chance at going out with her husband.

Anyways, with it being this late there's not much to do to keep myself occupied but chance had it that I had to locate some paperwork so I started digging around and came acrossed my parents lockbox. I haven't really been in it after all these years so it was very interesting once I got it open and started looking at the contents. I pulled out a piece of paper that was folded a few times, I unfolded it and I couldn't believe what it was. It was the actual certificate of my father's discharge from the Army! I can't believe just how proud I am over that 1 piece of paper. After studying it for a half hour or longer I went right into the bedroom to show Michael. It didn't take him but a few seconds to exclaim "WOW!" Look at all the medals he recieved! Well I have to take his word for it because I have no idea what they all are. All I know is there are several different ones listed.

I knew some stuff about my father's military experience but not veryt much at all. He did NOT like to talk about it and with his age , I think he felt it wasn't something a little girl should hear about. Mostly because alot of it was very gruesome and heartbreaking for him. One thing I did know was that he was a medic. Just knowing that insured me that he had seen some horrific sights. One thing I didn't know was that he was a surgical technician! Now he did tell my husband war stories but not even he let on exactly what they were. In fact to this day I still haven't heard it all and I'm not sure I really want to.

Here is a list of the honors he recieved.
1. Victory Medal
2. Asiatic Pacific Theater Ribbon w/3 Bronze Battle Stars
3. Bronze Service Arrowhead
4. Philippine Liberation Ribbon w/1 Bronze Battlestar
5. 4 Overseas Bars
6. Bronze Good Conduct Medal

He was listed as a TEC 4 in the Infantry, a MED DET 151st. I don't know what that is either but I'm sure my son will be able to tell me. I am so excited, I can't hardly wait for morning to come so I can call my son and tell him what I found!

I realized that I have never really wrote anything about my son. I am so very proud of my only son and I know in my heart that my father would be just as proud of him. Following his footsteps by enlisting in the Army. I have to admit that there was a time when I was dead set against my son even thinking about joining. In fact he knew how set against it I was and was in the ROTC in school for a long time without me knowing. After I found out and was finally invited by him to attend a ceremony I was so very proud to see him standing there in his uniform. Of course with him soon to turn old enough to sign up I wasn't gonna tell him just how proud I was. I mean I told him but I never told him the entire thing or he would of thought I was ok with the idea of enlistment. Even years later he knew that I did NOT want him joining the service. He was so scared of me finding out that he waited until I was out of the state and not soon to get home when he called me on the phone and told me he enrolled. I was so mad, so hurt and so scared when he told me. But once I got over the initial shock I was proud that he loved this country so much that he wanted to defend it. I don't know how I could be anymore proud but after finding my dad's Honorable Discharge and reading it, I AM more proud and I want him to know it.

Changing gears now, as you've heard before I have problems with menopause. I am playing musical window again tonight. It's a Friday night 4:05 in the morning, the window is open and I just heard 4 gunshots not too far off in the distance. Lately it has become just about a nightly occurance. It just reminds me of how much I hate living here. I want so much to move away from this place, away from the sounds of the city. Out where it's safer. then as my mind starts going in that direction, again I am drawn to that awful memory of losing my dreamhouse. So that is my cue for stopping on my writing for the time being. My eyes are finally starting to get blurry and my eyelids are getting heavy so maybe I will be able to at least take a nap.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Getting Real

Here it is. I am going to get real right here right now. For years now I have been scared to get close to anyone. After that 7 year stretch, I felt like everyone I loved would be taken away from me. It happened to me over and over again. Then out of nowhere my half-sister on my father's side wrote me a letter. She wanted to get together. she wanted us to get to know each other because even though we had been related all our lives, we didn't know each other. Well, I was scared, I put it off. You've got to understand that she was almost 30 years older then me and was ill. Well, I haven't heard from her in close to a year now so I'm pretty sure she is now gone too.

Even now, even though my entire growing up family is gone. I am still scared. If I let down my fences that I've built and get close to someone again, they will also get taken away. What else am I afraid of? Losing my present family. My kids. Yeah I knew they would grow up and get married but I never dreamed that they'd be spread all over the United States. Now I'm almost too scared to be their mom and tell them my opinions because they will turn their backs on me. Actually it kind of already has to a point. There it is in black and white.

I could go into detail but those involved know what's going on. But do they realize what it does to an already down in the dumps depressed person? Humans are the only ones that shoot their own, kick em more when their down.

I don't know maybe I was a terrible mother. It's not like all my children went down the wrong path. All 3 are grow, married and have kids of their own so did I do that bad? It had been told to me in the past that I was a wonderful mother and nowdays I hear people tell me over and over that they knew I'd be a wonderful grandmother. I just wish I was able to be a grandmother to all my grandbabies but 4 of them live hundreds of miles away.

My girlhood dream was to grow up, get married and have a family, which I have. Another part of my dream was to be like my parents. Have a house and a home where any or all my kids could come to feel safe. Someone they could fall back on in times of trouble or just come to be a family. I need family, I need to have family around me. I want a family like I had when I was little.

Now the holidays are upon us. It has hit me close and hard. I have not been able to sleep in 4 days now. With each daylight it only brings it closer, ugh. It's like I know if I go to sleep that it will be 1 day closer when I wake up but if I don't go to sleep, I can still keep it the same day so it will never get closer but of course I'm wrong. I can't keep it from coming no matter what I do.

I am aware that with this sleep deprovision that I can't seem to think straight. I can't stay on the same subject so my writings are going from one thing to another. Jumping every which way, so just hang in their with me.

Of course yesterday automatcially turned into today, I couldn't stop it from happening. It was so sweet a couple nights ago. After reading my blog, my husband came out and sat down next to me. He had this very concerned look on his face. You know what he asked me? He wanted to know what he could do to help get me out of this inevitable depressing holiday mood that I always get in. At least he cares enough to ask. I answered him as in an " I don't know" there's not really one thing, it's not gonna be an easy fix even though I wish it was.

The real fix is totally impossible and that is to turn back the clock to when my family was still alive. I can't or won't say these best times but they were much happier. Or turn time back to when Santa Clause was real in my life or at least my kids lives. There's just one thing after another that I could name. In fact the list would probably go on for a very very long time. I know it's impossible to have a perfect life but couldn't it be alittle bit more perfect? I understand that I am not the only one in the world that has a completely different life to what they thought they would have but I do feel that I got the short end of the stick on alot of things.

Do little girls still hope for the same things when they grow up? or has this world changed so much that they no longer wish for their knight in shining armour, a house with the white picket fence? As I was talking I made the remark that who ever would of thought that the Nerdy guys are the ones the girls should of been after. Wow! It's not like me to just blurt something out like that before thinking of what I was saying. I didn't realize it until he said, "is that what you wished you would of done?" I still feel just as bad now as I did when he said that days ago. Actually I think I feel worse because it just eats at me. Of course I told him I was sorry but the tougue cuts deeper then a knife. Once it's out there, it's out there forever no matter how many times you ask forgiveness.

I am an avid watcher of the Dr Phil show and this morning really hit home. It was about parent/children relationships. There's always the possibility of doing or saying the wrong thing or what you're trying to say doesn't come out right and it blows up. It also made me realize that people nowdays wear their feelings more on their sleeves. My generation, we were more leatherized when it came to all that stuff so I am not so used to pussy-footing around anymore. So kids, take heed, I am only human. I am probably going to do things and say things that will hurt your feelings without me wanting to do so. I've been around the block a few more times then you or most people and my intentions are only to try to help in different situations. &You can take it or leave it. You can let in one ear and out the other, I don't care if you use it or not but I do care if you hold it against me. I have my opinions as well as you have yours, don't let it put up a wall between us. Don't harbor bad feelings. Hey, if you can speak openly to your family anymore then this world is worse off then I thought! Wether they want to accept it or not, I love my kids more then they could ever possibly know or understand. In fact they probably mean more to me then other mothers feel about their kids and after they know that they are all I have left in this world, they should understand that I would never do anything intentionally to hurt any of them. I hope I explained that right, if not I'm sure they can read between the lines and know exactly what I meant.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

More Like.....What Am I Today?.

  Have you ever felt "Just Useless?"  I have, I have alot.  But what do I do?  Healthwise I can't have the laborous kind of job I enjoy so much.  I WANT to be busy but I just don't have the energy. I know the whole thing clashes, it is total contradiction.   I know, I admit it to you as well as to myself, I am depressed. I have been depressed for a long, long time.

  When did it start? It's been around so long, I don't know. I don't even think my husband really knows.  You know how they say, "you can't see the forest through the trees?"  well I think that's the case with him.  Sometimes you're just too close to see it or you change with it.  Actually I've been so good at hiding my emotions for so many years that I think I probably hid it from the person I should of confided in. So to all of you who have mates, TALK!  be open and honest with each other.  Be in a fishbowl so to speak.  It's not healthy for you or those around you to keep your feeling all bottled up inside.  I mean it!  Start right now. Right this second and save your health and SAVE YOUR LIFE!

  I know I have had accidents, injuries which have contributed to my physical problems but I think more then anything, I really feel that holding things in and not talking about things on my mind has done me more harm.  I think it had all my immune defenses down so my bones weren't as strong as they should of been. I think it in fact made everything concerning the strength of my body alot weaker. Mind, body and soul.

  I used to think that as long as I got it out by writing it down on paper then that's all I needed. I do still think it helps but I really truly think you need to speak it out verbally.  It'll make you stronger and it will make you closer to the person you confide in. Everybody needs somebody.  I know that that person for me should be my husband especially since he is my soulmate but sometimes it's hard to open up to him. I don't want to look weak in his eyes but then I remember, he is the one that God made for me, just me to complete me.  I know that it is also equally hard for him to let his defenses down and take the chance of looking weak in my eyes.  But who is better to to lean on?  That saying is true, " I am weak where you are strong and vice versa."

  So please, I ask whomever reads this. Pray for me,  pray that I can let go of all that I've held in for all these years and get it out.  Yes, everything whether it be from today or 20 years ago. I need to get rid of it.

  I know in the past I made the mistake of talking over my problems with my kids, that's not good. I'm sorry and I wish I could take it all back.  I understand that I am probably a big contributor to their health problems.  I am so sorry please forgive me. I also know that in the past I even had the opportunity to talk to my cats.  Now that DID help.  They always listened and always seemed to understand, I sure could use a cat now!  I can even say that ever since I've been cat-less, I haven't been as healthy. But until we move out and get our own place I will forever be cat-less because for some sick reason my mother-in-law hates cats.  I can't understand why anyone on God's earth would hate cats. Cats are loving, compassionate, comforting, quite and all around easy to take care of.  In my opinion EVERYBODY NEEDS A CAT!




Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Losing ..... Hmm I can't remember

So it seems I am not the only one around that is interested in the past. This week on the morning news they've been hosting 5 Decades in 5 Days. I've really been enjoying it alot but they don't do it long enough or have enough of the (I can't believe I'm saying this) old fashion stuff like the tv ads, etc... Somebody needs to host several 2 hour shows for all of us older folks to remenice and remember back to our youth. Today they had the 4 Topps which only 1 original remains but they did a medley of some of their hits and I knew when tears started to fill my eyes that today was going to be one of those days. Yes that damn "M", what word am I referring to? Menopause. Anyone that has not been introduced personally to the rearing evil head of menopause has no idea what it's like. Not even my husband that has listened repeatedly to my complaints can fully understand it. In fact, even having to deal with my hot flashes and having to "open the window", "close the window" just don't get it! I mean it's so bad that we haven't been able to sleep together in the same bed for months now so you'd think he'd have a clue.

All I hear is "why don't you get a grip" IF ONLY I COULD! It's driving me crazy! I never know from day to day how my hormones are gonna act. I wish I could get a grip darn it! Men especially don't understand that it is impossible to control the whole menopause hormone issue.

Anyways getting back to my initial thoughts on writing today. Why do I get so involved, so emotional of things from the past?  Well I lost my inspiration or train of thought so I guess I'll just post this and hope it comes back soon.

Monday, November 10, 2008

No More Twinkle

Here I am after an awful night's sleep or should I say sleepless night. I turned on the tv hoping to get something else to set my mind on besides the pains that have been pouring through my back and lower legs. Did it work? But I will push on as I do every other day I go through this same thing.

I knew it has been a few days since I wrote my blog so I sat for about an hour trying to think of how to start my writings again. Trying to force my thoughts of long ago on one of my fun family vacations but, no hope. I just can't seem to get out of my mind something that is unfortunately flooding my brain as it does every year aroung this same time. What can that be? What else but the holidays that are not so far off.

God Bless all 3 of my kids for having babies spaced through November. Unconscience that maybe it would get my mind more on their birthdays then the season at hand. Did it work? No. I am too much like my mother. I bought birthday presents well in advanced so of course I would hopefully have enough time to buy Christmas presents. So here I am reminded of what lay ahead.

All who are close to me at all and for any length of time knows that this is the worst time of the years for me. I seem to be able to keep the differents dates out of my head the rest of the year as they dribble past. You know the days, anniversaries, birthdays and the dreaded death dates. Why I'm I so able to get past those and not this? Probably bevcause of the fact everyone celebrates them all at the same time.

When I was young, oh how I lookede forward to this time of year! Once Halloween would pass with all the candies, I knew that soon, very soon would be the parade to welcome that wonderful mysterious fat fellow Santa Claus! My parents would be kept very busy getting ready for our big Thanksgiving Dinner. I still can remember back when it was my mom, dad, brother, sister, myself, as well as my grandpa and my great-grandma. Those were happy times when I was so young I didn't know it would ever change! But change came and went. As everyone got older, some married and some died. So the family would grow yet shrink. But it was still overall happy times. I guess because it was time of innocence and things were simple.

After Thanksgiving the air changed, not the temperature but the mood. The excitement, the hustle and bustle. Times when savings accounts disappeared quickly but people planned ahead so the everyday normal life wasn't harmed. Bills always got paid as they did every other day. What happened to those days? Why don't they go as smooth as they did so long ago? Unfortunately, that is the least of what's on my mind these days or has it been for some time now.

Even though I am getting older and now have grow kids of my own with grandbabies, my mind still stresses out over the same fact that has plaqued me since 1996 and grew steadily for the next 7 years. That is the sad thought of my family being gone. For me this is the worst most depressing time of the entire year. I do have times when it falls from my mind and I get excited over trying to find just the right thing to buy for one of my loved ones. But those times are changing too.

Now with grown kids with kids of their own and the fact they no longer live close enough for the family get togethers just adds more to the sadness of the season. That and the fact that whatever you buy present-wise has to be sent through the mail and if you don't watch it, ends up costing more then the present itself! Then of course after already having a pile of presents I wonder why I didn't just go with the flow of nowdays and just send money or gift cards. I hate gift cards that's why! I mean who wants to have a present under the tree that you pick out yourself? Sure, some things are ok but what about the children? What about the enjoyment of watching the little ones rip open the paper and see their eyes light up at that new toy! Just as everything else in my lifetime got worse as I grew up, this also well, just sucks!

As it's been for the past several Thanksgivings and Christmas's, there's no going to Grandma's house for dinner. No decorating the house, no tree to decorate, nothing. No excitement of getting ready for this time of year anymore. Just doom and gloom and all that was once happytimes are nothing but thoughts and memories. Yes, some day my grandchildren might sit down beside me and ask me what it was like when I was little and for a small second in time I might get happiness from talking about how it once was but it will again be gone in an instant and the sadness will set in all over again.

Christmas Past will forever be Christmas past and the children will get farther and farther away from what this time of the year should be like with the big boxes all wrapped with brightly colored paper and bows. Each year each person's selfishness gets in the way of spreading the happiness of letting other's have the fun of trying to find just the right gift to giving gift cards. So I guess what we have now is nothing but a bunch of scrooge's that will only get worse each and every year. And yes, I guess I've become nothing but a scrooge myself.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Pictures- They talk to me

  I am drawn to all things nostalgic. I mean anything and everything from the past. I know or at least I think I'm sure that most people like to look at things from when they were little but I mean I am almost to the point of being obcessed by those things.  It was this morning when these things were somehow brought to my attention.

  Yesterday being Monday, Michael & I went to the library together. (Monday's are set aside as "Our Day") Even though neither of us work outside the home, we rarely have alot of interaction.  I think that's true for alot of couples nowdays and that's sad but we recognized this and decided to act on it and try to start correcting it.  It is my hope that those of you who happen past this and read it will also do something to correct this sad situation.

  Alright, back to Monday. They had a couple things that I had put on hold which one happened to be a book titled "Roadside Attractions" by Brian and Robin Butko. I didn't have a chance to really sit down when I got home to look at it so when I woke up this morning I took it out of my book bag and sat it on the table.  Trying to watch Dr Phil as I do every morning, I kept catching myself being drawn to the cover of the book. That's what I mean, it's as if things like that call to me. Sounds totally crazy right? How can I explain it ?  I just get so much enjoyment out of just looking at the cover. I don't even have to open it up to experience fulfillment. I know, I'm weird right?

  As I sat there watching tv and glancing back and forth at that cover it dawned on me. The pictures, those pictures are of MY past. My history. They are not just pictures to me but my memory in color. They are my thoughts of times long ago. They are a subtle hint of my parents. My dad, my mom.  They somehow take the place of my mom and dad voice telling me of the things we did, the times we had together.  I look at the pictures and it's like they talk to me.  It takes me back in the past when everything was alright.

  Nobody can truly understand what I am trying to say unless they are in the same place that I am in. Gone through what I have gone through. Maybe not completely but in a sense. In 1996 I lost my mom to non-hodgkins cancer. I was 37.  Yes, That was a shock! That by itself totally rocked my world.But more so, One by losing her and two because we always figured my dad would go first because he was so much older. I mean he was 15 years older then my mom. That was the first of more to come and really rock my world.  It got the ball arollin.  37 is a young age to lose one of your parents but if I only knew what was going to happen next.

  In 2000, just 2 days before his 53rd birthday I lost my brother to kidney cancer. He was from my mom's first marriage but I felt as if he were a whole brother not just a half.  I'll get back to talking about him later on in my writings. Then let's see, oh yeah the ball keeps rolling.  In 2001, just about a month after my dad's 90th birthday and only 10 days before my birthday, I lost my dad.  I couldn't take much more!  I just couldn't handle it.  But 2 years later in 2003 just 1 day before mine and Michael's 26th wedding anniversary I lost my sister. By then I didn't have to worry about facing anymore because I had lost my complete family.  In the matter of 7 short years I had lost everyone!  I was alone. By the young age of 44 I was the last one of my whole entire family.  Talk about a big blow!

  See, that should help to explain, help for you to understand just a little why I am drawn to things of the past.  I can no longer pick up the phone  and talk about anything. It's impossible for me to listen to any one of them say "Do you Remember when we...".  No more stories, no more voices, nothing.  All I have is pictures. Whether they be pictures one of them took, I took myself or just pictures in a book. Or of course I can watch dvd's that more times then not I can say to myself or to Michael, "I was there".  Those and only those are all I have left.
I get so much joy yet so much hurt by remembering. I am torn in two different directions but at least I have that. So even though I have nothing, I do have something.