Friday, March 6, 2009

The Hardest Thing To Do

    I have figured out that the hardest thing in the world to do is TO BE HONEST!  Oh I'm not talking about being honest to someone else, I'm talking about being TOTALLY HONEST TO YOURSELF!

  I have always believed that honesty is the best policy, I mean that's what our elders always said.  I've tried really hard to be honest but being dishonest is second nature thank's to satan.  I mean unfortunately it is sometimes too easy to not be honest.

  I think it's easier for some, more then others when it comes to being dishonest.  I know as I've gotten older, being honest seems more right then wrong.  Now that doesn't come out right does it.  I mean, when you're young, it just seems like part of life to not be honest.  As you grow older, honesty comes more natural.  I always believed that older people were more likely to be honest then younger people. Honesty is an important character.

  Well lately I've gotten a wake up call because I've had to deal with an elderly person that does more cheating, lying and stealing then being honest.  I mean you can stand right in front of this person, watch them do something and still they out and out try to lie their way out of it.  Anyways, this is not the subject I was wanting to write about today. It just shows me just how bad dishonesty can be so easy and make someone look so bad.

  Being honest makes you feel good inside. I find it pretty easy to be honest to someone else. The thing that I find is the hardest thing to do is being honest to yourself!  There was a time in my life where I would go to the doctors and tell a few little lies just to get what I went there to get. I'm sure you know what I mean.   Did it always work for me?  No.

  Now when I finally talk myself into going to the doctor and I am brutily and totally honest about what going on and why I am there. Guess what, they don't believe me.  Do I get the help I need?  No.   Do you know how frustrating that is!

  I hate going for any kind of medical attention because they always treat me like I'm making it all up.  Now I have so many different things wrong with my body that when I go and I start telling the doctor my long list, well.....  I get treated as just some bum off the street trying to get a fix.

  I have found that doctors don't take people serious anymore.  I have come to the conclusion that they just don't take their jobs serious anymore.  One of the people in your life that you should always be honest to, is a doctor but the NUMBER 1 person you need to be honest with in your whole entire life is YOURSELF!  And you know what, it is the hardest one to be honest to!

  There is so many things going on within my body that is wrong. so now I just repeatedly lie to myself and say "oh it's nothing, it'll pass".  Well about 2 months ago I decided that I would get real with myself and I would start writing down everything I could think of that was going on with my body.

  Well I took the list with me to the doctor.  I sat down and watched as he read my list.  Once he was done, he looked up from the page,  he had that "unbeleivable" look on his face.  All he said was, it looks like you have alot of problems. Then you know what he did for me?  Nothing, not one thing.  He handed me back my list and sent me on my way.

  Have I been back to a doctor since?  No!  I mean what's the use?

  I have decide to start all over again and make a new list. I don't know how long it will take me to finish but unless I die, my list won't get any smaller.  I have to really decide to be totally honest with myself and write down each and everything I can that's wrong with me.  Someday, hopefully, I will run into a doctor that will give a dam and that cares that I live a good quality life.

  What I think everyone should do is to grab a piece of paper and start making a list of your own.   By all means, if you have medical insurance  then take advantage of it!  Get every test done that you possibly can.    There might be at time when you loose that insurance and then you'll be just like me.  Most doctors now days WILL NOT take cash!  If you don't have insurance then they won't see you!  Take my word for it because I found that out first hand.

  Anyways like I was saying, don't lie to yourself.  Be totally and completely honest about what is going on with your body.  Those words some day just might save your life!

  Don't be stupid.  Don't keep even the littlest things from your spouse.  There might come a time when they are your voice and have to fill in the blanks when you can't do it for yourself.  I know,  I am guilty of keeping things from my husband because I don't want to worry him but in the end,  that one unspoken truth just might be the thing that keeps you from living or dying.

  So even though it's the HARDEST THING TO DO, just do it!


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Not Just A Dream Yet Only A Memory

Have you ever dreamt something yet it wasn't something that has never happened but just a memory that you had long forgotten about? I have. A couple nights ago this same thing accured. Usually after dreaming and waking up, my memory of what my dream was about is long forgotten. This time that didn't happen and I think it's because it was actually a deja vu,

Here is what happened, long ago yet just a couple days ago.

Back in my parents home where I grew up, there I was sitting in the living room. I was watching television, my Dad on the couch and my mother at her normal station which was sitting at the kitchen table. I rarely recollect her sitting anywhere else. Unless it was very late night and her and my Dad were snuggled on the couch watching some tv show.

Anyways, my Mom had parneses anemia which made her wrists very weak so whenever she wanted to write a letter she always used a typewriter. Well this time as I watched her for a couple hours, she had in her hand a pad of paper and a pencil. This was a very strange site to me.

Being totally curious I wanted to see what she was writing. I waited until she was deep in her writing when I went into the kitchen. She must of seen me in her (eyes in the back of her head) because she quickly closed the pad of paper. I went ahead and opened the refrigerator door. I turned and asked her what she was doing. She answered by saying that she was just writing a letter. I said "Mom I can see that much but why aren't you typing? She then told me that it wasn't the kind of letter that you could type, it needed to be hand written.

Well to say the least, THAT really got my curiosity up! I then went back into the living room and watched TV. I kept a close eye as to my mom and her doings. After a few more minutes I noticed that she was deeply consumed in her putting words on the paper so I made my move.

I wasn't sure that I could sneak up on her because of the way she was sitting so I quietly went out the front door of the house, walked around to the garage. Our garage was attached to the back of the house. Back then, that was unusual. I went through the garage and luckily it was hot outside so the back door was open!

Well it wasn't like I was an angel back then, I knew exactly how far I could open that door before the first squeak. Then how far till the next one and so on. Don't get me wrong, I didn't do it that often, I was a good girl back then.

I managed to get the door opened enough to slide my body inside. It opened up into a utility room and from there was the doorway tot he kitchen. I peeked around the corner. She still had pen to paper and was writing in such a fashion that I knew she was trying to get alot of words down before she forgot them.

There was my chance. I very slowly, very quietly walked into the kitchen behind her. I glanced over her shoulder and there at the top of the page it said, Dear Beth, My Loving Daughter and friend. Those words surprised me! Next it went on to say, I want you to know just how much you mean to me and just how happy I am that you are my daughter.

I wanted so much to keep reading but there was a noise from the other room and it broke my mom's concentration so I took a couple steps backwards and was in the doorway of the utility room. Whew! that was close.

I don't know what made me dream of that moment in time but I do know that not I am being drove crazy by the fact that I have never received that letter. What happened to it? Did it get through out with everything else when my sister basically lost her mind and emptied all my parents possessions in that big trash bin? Could see of kept it in that old cedar chest that somehow my cousin stole? If I pray fervently, could it possibly show up somehow? I wish I could read the rest of what she wrote to me those many many years ago.