Monday, November 10, 2008

No More Twinkle

Here I am after an awful night's sleep or should I say sleepless night. I turned on the tv hoping to get something else to set my mind on besides the pains that have been pouring through my back and lower legs. Did it work? But I will push on as I do every other day I go through this same thing.

I knew it has been a few days since I wrote my blog so I sat for about an hour trying to think of how to start my writings again. Trying to force my thoughts of long ago on one of my fun family vacations but, no hope. I just can't seem to get out of my mind something that is unfortunately flooding my brain as it does every year aroung this same time. What can that be? What else but the holidays that are not so far off.

God Bless all 3 of my kids for having babies spaced through November. Unconscience that maybe it would get my mind more on their birthdays then the season at hand. Did it work? No. I am too much like my mother. I bought birthday presents well in advanced so of course I would hopefully have enough time to buy Christmas presents. So here I am reminded of what lay ahead.

All who are close to me at all and for any length of time knows that this is the worst time of the years for me. I seem to be able to keep the differents dates out of my head the rest of the year as they dribble past. You know the days, anniversaries, birthdays and the dreaded death dates. Why I'm I so able to get past those and not this? Probably bevcause of the fact everyone celebrates them all at the same time.

When I was young, oh how I lookede forward to this time of year! Once Halloween would pass with all the candies, I knew that soon, very soon would be the parade to welcome that wonderful mysterious fat fellow Santa Claus! My parents would be kept very busy getting ready for our big Thanksgiving Dinner. I still can remember back when it was my mom, dad, brother, sister, myself, as well as my grandpa and my great-grandma. Those were happy times when I was so young I didn't know it would ever change! But change came and went. As everyone got older, some married and some died. So the family would grow yet shrink. But it was still overall happy times. I guess because it was time of innocence and things were simple.

After Thanksgiving the air changed, not the temperature but the mood. The excitement, the hustle and bustle. Times when savings accounts disappeared quickly but people planned ahead so the everyday normal life wasn't harmed. Bills always got paid as they did every other day. What happened to those days? Why don't they go as smooth as they did so long ago? Unfortunately, that is the least of what's on my mind these days or has it been for some time now.

Even though I am getting older and now have grow kids of my own with grandbabies, my mind still stresses out over the same fact that has plaqued me since 1996 and grew steadily for the next 7 years. That is the sad thought of my family being gone. For me this is the worst most depressing time of the entire year. I do have times when it falls from my mind and I get excited over trying to find just the right thing to buy for one of my loved ones. But those times are changing too.

Now with grown kids with kids of their own and the fact they no longer live close enough for the family get togethers just adds more to the sadness of the season. That and the fact that whatever you buy present-wise has to be sent through the mail and if you don't watch it, ends up costing more then the present itself! Then of course after already having a pile of presents I wonder why I didn't just go with the flow of nowdays and just send money or gift cards. I hate gift cards that's why! I mean who wants to have a present under the tree that you pick out yourself? Sure, some things are ok but what about the children? What about the enjoyment of watching the little ones rip open the paper and see their eyes light up at that new toy! Just as everything else in my lifetime got worse as I grew up, this also well, just sucks!

As it's been for the past several Thanksgivings and Christmas's, there's no going to Grandma's house for dinner. No decorating the house, no tree to decorate, nothing. No excitement of getting ready for this time of year anymore. Just doom and gloom and all that was once happytimes are nothing but thoughts and memories. Yes, some day my grandchildren might sit down beside me and ask me what it was like when I was little and for a small second in time I might get happiness from talking about how it once was but it will again be gone in an instant and the sadness will set in all over again.

Christmas Past will forever be Christmas past and the children will get farther and farther away from what this time of the year should be like with the big boxes all wrapped with brightly colored paper and bows. Each year each person's selfishness gets in the way of spreading the happiness of letting other's have the fun of trying to find just the right gift to giving gift cards. So I guess what we have now is nothing but a bunch of scrooge's that will only get worse each and every year. And yes, I guess I've become nothing but a scrooge myself.

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