Friday, November 14, 2008

Getting Real

Here it is. I am going to get real right here right now. For years now I have been scared to get close to anyone. After that 7 year stretch, I felt like everyone I loved would be taken away from me. It happened to me over and over again. Then out of nowhere my half-sister on my father's side wrote me a letter. She wanted to get together. she wanted us to get to know each other because even though we had been related all our lives, we didn't know each other. Well, I was scared, I put it off. You've got to understand that she was almost 30 years older then me and was ill. Well, I haven't heard from her in close to a year now so I'm pretty sure she is now gone too.

Even now, even though my entire growing up family is gone. I am still scared. If I let down my fences that I've built and get close to someone again, they will also get taken away. What else am I afraid of? Losing my present family. My kids. Yeah I knew they would grow up and get married but I never dreamed that they'd be spread all over the United States. Now I'm almost too scared to be their mom and tell them my opinions because they will turn their backs on me. Actually it kind of already has to a point. There it is in black and white.

I could go into detail but those involved know what's going on. But do they realize what it does to an already down in the dumps depressed person? Humans are the only ones that shoot their own, kick em more when their down.

I don't know maybe I was a terrible mother. It's not like all my children went down the wrong path. All 3 are grow, married and have kids of their own so did I do that bad? It had been told to me in the past that I was a wonderful mother and nowdays I hear people tell me over and over that they knew I'd be a wonderful grandmother. I just wish I was able to be a grandmother to all my grandbabies but 4 of them live hundreds of miles away.

My girlhood dream was to grow up, get married and have a family, which I have. Another part of my dream was to be like my parents. Have a house and a home where any or all my kids could come to feel safe. Someone they could fall back on in times of trouble or just come to be a family. I need family, I need to have family around me. I want a family like I had when I was little.

Now the holidays are upon us. It has hit me close and hard. I have not been able to sleep in 4 days now. With each daylight it only brings it closer, ugh. It's like I know if I go to sleep that it will be 1 day closer when I wake up but if I don't go to sleep, I can still keep it the same day so it will never get closer but of course I'm wrong. I can't keep it from coming no matter what I do.

I am aware that with this sleep deprovision that I can't seem to think straight. I can't stay on the same subject so my writings are going from one thing to another. Jumping every which way, so just hang in their with me.

Of course yesterday automatcially turned into today, I couldn't stop it from happening. It was so sweet a couple nights ago. After reading my blog, my husband came out and sat down next to me. He had this very concerned look on his face. You know what he asked me? He wanted to know what he could do to help get me out of this inevitable depressing holiday mood that I always get in. At least he cares enough to ask. I answered him as in an " I don't know" there's not really one thing, it's not gonna be an easy fix even though I wish it was.

The real fix is totally impossible and that is to turn back the clock to when my family was still alive. I can't or won't say these best times but they were much happier. Or turn time back to when Santa Clause was real in my life or at least my kids lives. There's just one thing after another that I could name. In fact the list would probably go on for a very very long time. I know it's impossible to have a perfect life but couldn't it be alittle bit more perfect? I understand that I am not the only one in the world that has a completely different life to what they thought they would have but I do feel that I got the short end of the stick on alot of things.

Do little girls still hope for the same things when they grow up? or has this world changed so much that they no longer wish for their knight in shining armour, a house with the white picket fence? As I was talking I made the remark that who ever would of thought that the Nerdy guys are the ones the girls should of been after. Wow! It's not like me to just blurt something out like that before thinking of what I was saying. I didn't realize it until he said, "is that what you wished you would of done?" I still feel just as bad now as I did when he said that days ago. Actually I think I feel worse because it just eats at me. Of course I told him I was sorry but the tougue cuts deeper then a knife. Once it's out there, it's out there forever no matter how many times you ask forgiveness.

I am an avid watcher of the Dr Phil show and this morning really hit home. It was about parent/children relationships. There's always the possibility of doing or saying the wrong thing or what you're trying to say doesn't come out right and it blows up. It also made me realize that people nowdays wear their feelings more on their sleeves. My generation, we were more leatherized when it came to all that stuff so I am not so used to pussy-footing around anymore. So kids, take heed, I am only human. I am probably going to do things and say things that will hurt your feelings without me wanting to do so. I've been around the block a few more times then you or most people and my intentions are only to try to help in different situations. &You can take it or leave it. You can let in one ear and out the other, I don't care if you use it or not but I do care if you hold it against me. I have my opinions as well as you have yours, don't let it put up a wall between us. Don't harbor bad feelings. Hey, if you can speak openly to your family anymore then this world is worse off then I thought! Wether they want to accept it or not, I love my kids more then they could ever possibly know or understand. In fact they probably mean more to me then other mothers feel about their kids and after they know that they are all I have left in this world, they should understand that I would never do anything intentionally to hurt any of them. I hope I explained that right, if not I'm sure they can read between the lines and know exactly what I meant.

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