Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Pins & Needles

Well this is just a short post, mainly for my kids. Sorry kids it looks like you'll have your mom around a few more years. I've been on pins and needles for a couple weeks now but I finally got my letter today in the mail. I went and had the Pink Saturday Free tests done and it all came back negative! So you see you can't get rid of me that easy. I do have to admit that I held onto the letter for 2 days actually before I finally opened it.
I've always joked around saying I wished I get breat cancer just so I could get rid of them but it sure is a scary thing when your waiting for the results. But......(I'd still like to get rid of them!)

Memories are all I have left

I started thinking back, daydreaming I guess you might say, while doing the dishes. I got this overwhelming need to write. So here I am. Of course I had to wrestle the computer away from my husband but I won. Only because he got up early this morning and started writing on his blog and was almost done.

The other day we were watching the History Channel and they were showing the different National Parks. Places that we had fortunately been to while working with UShip. It made me get on the local library website and start searching for dvd's about where we had been. It happened to bring up alot of different books about Route 66 (which anyone who knows me knows that's dear to my heart). So of course I started to put Holds on anything and everything concerning Route 66 and the different places we had been on the road.

A couple days later I was notified that some of the things had came in so we walked together to the library to pick them up. I'm so glad Michael went with me as there were too many for only me to carry home! I had some work to do around the house so I wasn't able to sit right down and go through everything I had picked up. Later that evening when things had slowed down, I sat on the couch and started looking at all the different titles. Putting them in piles of what I wanted to look at first and ones that could wait.

Here I was, dvd's and books surrounding me on all sides. I picked up a book and opened it. No pictures, bummer. I love to look at the pictures. I started to put the book back in the bag to return it when I happened to read a line or two on a page. It sparked my interest, I grabbed my glasses I had bought at the local store for a dollar. Yes, magnified reading glasses. My eyesight is no longer perfect as they once were when I was younger. I just hate it when people say, "It's because of your age" I DON'T need to be reminded all the time! Believe me, I remember it every morning when I wake up nowdays.

Ok, ok, get back on track. I started reading in a book named "Route 66 Iconography of the American Highway" I learned alot of interesting facts concerning my favorite highway. I was really taken back when I read that inorder to promote the highway they had a foot race! I can't hardly fathem a 2,400 mile foot race but they had one. In fact instead of just the race being from Santa Monica, California to Chicago, it coninued to Madison Gardens in New York City. It took the guy that won, 84 days to run the 3,400 miles. Can you imagine? I sure can't. I've been down those roads a few times over, in a vehicle of course, I just can't imagine a person actually running all that way! After looking through the book and stopping every so often to read different things, I learned alot. I even told a few people that I wished I had thought about all this Route 66 stuff back in school cause I could of wrote one hell of a report. Some of you reading this that have to write a report for social studies maybe, you might want to take my advice and do it on the "Mother Road".

Ok I'm drifting again. As I was doing dishes this morning and daydreaming, a few things entered my mind. Like my screen name, ConcreteAngel" sure I picked it because of a country song I really liked and could relate to but I realized that there was more to it. Could it also be because of my memories of traveling with my Mom and Dad while growing up? Is that why I really enjoyed our delivery business we did with UShip? Yes I think so!

For such a long time I always dreamed of being able to travel across the USA like when I was little. Being able to once again re-travel Route 66 like when I was 6 traveling out to California to go to DisneyLand with my family who is no longer with me here on earth. All I have now is the memories that lay in the back of my mind. There is no way for me to sit down and talk to them about the good old days and the adventures we had. All I have is me and my weak memory and pictures. All I can do now is look at pictures in books and watch dvd's that just might show something that will spark a memory or where I can say, I remember that! I was there! and oh yeas, there's alot of times where I say, oh wow I forgot about that but I remember now!

I love to go back in time. Go back to when my family was together, the happy times that we spent together. The tears swell up in my eyes alot of times just as they are doing now to where I have to stop a minute and get composer. Why is it so hard for me to just let loose and let the tears come freely? I know it's not healthy to hold them back all the time so why can't I just let go and go with the flow? you might say?

After I got finished with the one book I mentioned I opened another. One that had pictures! But first I was drawn to the introduction which I started reading. This book was called, Route 66 The Mother Road". I had seen this same book out west in a trading post called YellowHorse and now after looking through it I really wished I'd have spent the 20.00 and bought it. It is in celebration of the 75th anniversary. I read the introduction and it touched me so much that yes here came the water works again. I just can't explain how it is to be so young and be thew only living person in your family. I know that there has got to be others out there but not that many I'm sure. Within 2 short years I had lost every one. Maybe that's why I feel so close to this highway. It is the vacation I remember the most. Of course I remember other ones and there were alot but I remember this one the most.

I had talked about that trip with Michael and how much fun we had and how I would love it if he could see the things I had seen. Well, back when we were delivering items for UShip, Michael was basically the number one driver but my job was to get us from point 1 to point 2 and all points in between. It seems that in the back of my mind there was a hidden agenda. It was even hidden from me for a long time! It only really hit me when we had a client ask if we could do a job going out west. Oh alright, I admit it. I would get very excited when we would happen to get anywhere close to Route 66 or a destination that I had been to on that long ago trip. Then after our son joined the Army and did his basics in Ft Leonardwood Missouri and we just happened to stay in a motel that just so happened to be on the corner of Route 66 did that bug bite me. I never realized that we had actually been traveling right next to that good old road several times already. Once I did, I was really attentive to the surroundings and stated seeing things that would trigger things that had been buried deep in my mind.

Michael knew of my memories of that vacation and I have to say, the more I talked about it the more interested he got until he got bit by that good old Route 66 bug too! We continued to work, traveling all over the USA but I never told him of my sneaky plans of trying to book things to get us closer and closer to riding down that path. I remember the first time he got bit by the bug. We always stopped at the Flying J's. We stopped at one in Missouri and I was taking my time getting out of the truck. He had went inside before me and when I went in the front door he said he had something to show me. He took me over to the shelf that was full of Tourist items filled with Route 66 stuff. Then, he said he had something else to show me when we got done inside. We finished up inside and he took me by the hand and led me out the door. We started walking back out towards the truck and I said "I thought you were gonna show me something?" he said yes just hold on a minute, we didn't stop at the truck, we kept on walking through the parking lot out by the road when he stopped and said,"look!" I looked up to where he was pointing and there it was, a Route 66 road sign. We were ON route 66! That I think is when he got bit for real. After that I noticed that he too was watching for the 66 sign.

It was always a dream I had that I had never told to anyone. I wanted to travel the USA, I wanted to relive that trip traveling down Route 66. And now I have, well at least parts of it but I still have that passion, in fact I have more of that passion wanting to go down that road all the way from one end to the other. Taking time to smell the roses, searching out every little piece of the past that there is in my memory bank and.... taking the time to cry. Cry from the joys as well as the sorrows of things that can no longer be. Now, it is time for me to stop as I can no longer see the keys to type through the tears that are filling my eyes.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Why Does Things Go Wrong?

Well I am highly upset. A few weeks ago I was looking on Ebay with my youngest daughter for a dress for my oldest grand daughter's pageant. I found one I liked andI bid a ridiculous low amount for it. 17.00. Crazy right? Well with the purchase price and shipping and insurance, it still came to less then 25.00. Would you believe my price won! We waited and waited and it finally came. It is adorable! I still can't believe I got it for such a low price. Anyways I marked it on the calendar and finally, today was the day!

I tried to keep myself busy all day awaiting the time for me to leave. A nervous grandma indeed, all day. What a wonderful day for a pageant, yeah right. It's been raining and gloomy all day. My husband did some work today but what happens? He hurt his back of course so he wouldn't be in any shape to go with me. I swallowed my feelings and kissed him good-bye.

I'd been planning for several weeks now that I would leave around 5:20 and that would give me more then enough time to make it out to the mall where it was to be held at 6:00. The phone rang at 5:15, it was Tyler, my son in law saying they decided to start at 5:30. 5:30! That gave me 10 minutes to get out the door, down 3 floors and into my car, drive about 5 miles, walk into the mall and make my way to where they were holding the pageant. Alexis was in the first group to go and was number 2.

I grabbed my purse, camera and coat. Made it out to my car and started driving down the street. Of course with it raining out the cars aren't driving their normal pace, Ugh! Well it turned out that, that was a good thing. I got about 2 miles down the road and the light infront of me was red. I stepped on the brakes. Half way to the floor, a weird noise. My foot pushed farther, NO BRAKES! Thank God I wasn't going any faster then I was and there were no cars ahead of me or in the intersection. I got to the corner and turned the wheel quick. I made it. I guess I should of drove up into the grocery store parking lot right there and buy some brake fluid but I wasn't thinking. Instead, I very slowly drove my 66 Nova back the 2 miles and made it into the parking lot where we live.

I parked the car and sat there for a minute or two trying to calm myself from what had just happened and fight back the tears that were swelling up in my eyes. I looked so forward to seeing Alexis walk down the runway in her cute little California pageant dress. I just can imagine how she was to look since she has just started walking on her own. That cute little wobbly girl all dressed up like a little doll. I still have misty eyes over missing that moment.

I just got a phonecall from Tyler. Alexis got 1st Runner Up! Now I have to wait until I get a chance to see pictures that his mom took. Why do things have to go wrong like this? It seems like it never happens when it's something un-important, it only happens when it's not supposed to happen.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Scared? Yeah I admit it

I just realized something. I am scared. Is it scared or is it worried? Is it, " I am scared to write my feelings because of what my husband will say?" OR " I am worried because of what my husband will say?" Maybe it's alittle bit of both. I know I can't help the way I feel about things, I DO have my own opinions (I just never told them out loud before)

Thirty some years ago I "was" scared of what my opinion would do to our relationship but hell, it's been thirty some years, what should I care? They ARE my opinions, they ARE the way I feel about things. Don't you think it's about time I let them out in the open?

It's a shame that I was beaten down so much that I went from a very extraverted person to a very intraverted person. I was so threatened that our relationship would end if I said what I thought. I see now that it was stupid and nobody should have that kind of control over another person. Even now I am afraid of what he might think or say about what I write in my blog.

I have been doing better at saying what I think to him instead of holding it inside. I am afraid that I taught my children "to keep it in" also and I am here to say right here and now that, IT IS NOT HEALTHY! Get your feelings out in the open, your sanity is worth more then that.

It's a shame that it took me till I was in my late 40's to get sick and tired of keeping my feeling in. I guess that one thing I can thank my mother in law for. She's gotta so good at getting under my skin that I can't keep my mouth shut anymore!

I want so much to just keep typing away on this blog. Get everything out of my head and out in the open but as always I can't. I have jobs to do around here. But don't worry, even though I'm away from the computer, my mind is still going 90 miles an hour constently thinking of all the thinks I need to get down on my blog. So until next time, I'm still boiling over with things to say.
Don't worry. I WILL RETURN!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Election Hanky-Panky

I've been watching all the Election stuff on tv. They just came out with some new interesting stuff about Obama. It seems he has removed the American Flag from his plane and replaced it with an Election logo! They included by saying, "If the United States isn't good enough for Obama then why would people think Obama is good for the United States" AMEN!
Well I'm voting for McCain/Palin and I am proud of it. In my opinion, Any Christian that IS a Christian would have to vote for McCain, Anyone related to the Military, would have to vote for McCain! If they have any kind of conscience at all, they would have to VOTE FOR McCAIN/PALIN!

I heard somewhere that there is more new voter applicates this year then ever before and that 85% of them are African American. It has become a racial thing and that in itself is awful! I also think that the only reason Powell is backing Obama is because he's african American. I recieved an email about the Book of Revalations and Obama, have you gotten it? Well it sure makes me wonder! All I have to say about that is , if he does somehow get voted in, people better get right with God just in case!

The more I hear and learn about Obama, the more I can't believe anyone with their right mind could vote for him!

Here's something else that will make you think. My mother in law (a registered republican" called for an absentee ballot. After waiting several weeks, she never got it. We called to inquire about why she hadn't got it yet. They informed her that it was "undeliverable?
She has lived in the same residence for 23 years. Now how could it be "undeliverable"?????? It seems to me that's just more proof of some more Obama hanky panky.

As far as I'm concerned Sarah Palin is more qualified to be President then Obama is! and she's running for Vice-President. So people better get this black/white issue out of their mind and come to their senses! Come on people, Don't vote for the color, Don't vote for the party, Don't vote for the person, VOTE FOR THE QUALIFICATIONS!!!!!!!!

I'm not usually into politics at all but this year and hearing what all is going on, I got a fire lit under my butt! So to all of you who think Bush did a bad job, if Obama gets voted in well you ain't seen nothing.
Well here I am again. I have been thinking in the back of my mind all day, "What can I write about my childhood?" It's scaring me, it's like all of it has been wiped clean from my memory! What's the matter with me? I mean sure, I can remember bits and pieces like how my dad used to drive me everywhere I wanted to go as well as my friends but I can't really remember family things. I don't know, it probably doesn't make sense to you or anyone else but it does to me. When I started writing this blog, I remembered all kinds of things I wanted to write about my family but after 6 months, I just can't remember! I don't know, maybe I'm trying to hard. Maybe I should just take it easy and things will start popping up. Whatever happed in my childhood made me what I am today right. I think I'm a pretty good person so it must be that I had a good childhood I do remember that I was spoiled rotten since I was the baby and I was my mom and dad's only child together.

I remembered something! When I was growing up, my sister was 10 years older then me and my brother was 12 years older then me. I remember my sister when she was in her teenage years. The normal boyfriends coming over and all. I remember her gettin g mad because they paid more attention to me then her. Maybe it was cause I was such a cutie?

I remember when she'd come home from a date and they'd walk her to the door (they did stuff like that back then) anyways, I'd wait for them to get up on the porch step at the door and I'd fling open the door, turn on the light and stick my face right up tight against the window and watch. Oh did she get mad! LOL I had very natural curly hair (like shirley Temple) and to get back at me, when my mom told her to brush my hair, she'd about yank it out of my head! I remember that I used to run and grab the brush and hide it from her and alot of the times when she did get ahold of the brush, I'd crawl under my parents bed where she couldn't get to me. I us to stay under there for hours until she'd leave the house or go to bed. Whichever came first! She used to go to bed early when she didn't have something to do. I mean early, like right after supper!

Wow! Memeories are starting to pop up all over! I am so glad. Here's another one. My mom was a great story teller. I remember her sitting at the kitchen table and tell me story after story of her childhood. Those were such happy times for me. I wish I could of had her record her story sessions so my kids could hear the stories. She did share some of the stories with my oldest child, Aimee, but she probably doesn't remember them. She was so young.

I think I've pushed myself too hard today after being sick. I am starting to feel wimpy again, I just caught myself falling asleep so I need to go for now. I'm gonna take a nap so I'll be able to cook some dinner when Michael gets home.

Back Online and Ready to Write!

I just noticed that on my first writing that more then half of it is highlighted. I didn't do that! None of it should be highlighted and I can't figure out how to get it off of there. I'm having alittle bit of a problem trying to get started on this again. Of Course, it might help tremendously if I go back and read where I dropped off.

Well, I just looked at it and I just realized how long it's been since I wrote! It's been about 6 months, oh where does the time go?

I had too change my email on this thing so if I had any followers, I hope it didn't mess them up! I'm still not really sure how to use this blog site. To me and hopefully to alot of others, it is very confusing.

I do know that the auto save really messes me up. All I have to do is stop typing for 2 seconds to collect my thoughts and ZAP! auto save. Why does it do that so fast? Some people just can't type or think that fast!

Ok, now I can't remember what my last post said so I'll have to go back and read it again. Geez, getting old really sucks! Everything goes! Memory, sight, hearing, moving around, etc.... it's nothing to look forward to believe me.

I guess I had decided to stop my blog writings until I got a chance to look through my trunk of pictures so I'm kind of on the right schedule except for the fact that my internet had gotten shut off and screwed me all up. That's the biggest reason I stopped writing for so long. Now it seems I'm not in the same mode I was in before. You know, trying to write of my growing up years so I'll just write whatever comes to mind and hope that you all don't mind.

I've been sick since yesterday and I don't know how to act when I'm sick. I'm hardly ever sick or when I am, I don't slow down. I automatically keep doing what a woman or mother has to do. Really, to be honest (and I'm sure you woman out there can relate) it doesn't pay for us to get sick and slow down. We usually get no sympathy, no help with anything. I do have to say that finally after all these years, my husband has changed. He does step up and try to help me out when I'm sick or at least doesn't make the normal demands a husband makes everyday. I have to say that, THAT alone makes me feel more loved by him. You all know what I mean, right? I do understand that he didn't have very good examples growing up and how a man is supposed to treat a woman but he has really broke that bad mold and has done really well. I am not just saying that because I know he'll be reading this blog, it's true.

I am having a hard time even thinking about my growing up years right now. I don't know why but I guess I just don't want to think about it right now. Maybe I'll get back into it soon cause I'm sure you're interested. So...... let's just stay in the present for right now.

I've been sick since yesterday and I don't know how to act when I'm sick. I'm hardly ever sick or when I am, I don't slow down. I automatically keep doing what a woman or mother has to do. Really, to be honest (and I'm sure you woman out there can relate) it doesn't pay for us to get sick and slow down. We usually get no sympathy, no help with anything. I do have to say that finally after all these years, my husband has changed. He does step up and try to help me out when I'm sick or at least doesn't make the normal demands a husband makes everyday. I have to say that, THAT alone makes me feel more loved by him. You all know what I mean, right? I do understand that he didn't have very good examples growing up and how a man is supposed to treat a woman but he has really broke that bad mold and has done really well. I am not just saying that because I know he'll be reading this blog, it's true.I am having a hard time even thinking about my growing up years right now. I don't know why but I guess I just don't want to think about it right now. Maybe I'll get back into it soon cause I'm sure you're interested. So...... let's just stay in the present for right now.This morning, just like most mornings lately, I have an altercation with my mother in law over her medications. Every morning I check her little "daily med box" to double check to make sure they are all there and every morning she comes out of her room and tells me I forgot to put in a xanax and something else. I tell her that I checked and they where ALL there but she demands I give her the missing ones. Then when they run out early she doesn't know why and pretty much accuses me or her son of taking them.Now yesterday is a good example of how she is. I'd sure love to secretly video tape her some time. She acts completely different when her son is around. He no longer walks out the door when her true colors (or feelings) about me come out. Oh I tell him but he doesn't believe me of course. She gets this evil look on her face and verbally attacks me in one way or another. In front of people, she says oh I love Beth she's like a daughter to me but when nobody's around it all changes. She doesn't like me, she never has since the first time she met me. The first real out in the open thing she did was on our wedding day. I had everything planned out just the way I wanted or as much as I could have. I did have the color scheme I'd always dreamed of having. Blue, cream and silver. I mean what's more simple? You know what she did? She brought her daughter (my bridesmaid) in YELLOW! We all went out to the store and I picked out a dress on the clerance rack that was 10.00. Not the one I really wanted but I knew they couldn't spend 30.00 for the actual one. I had to leave the store before she went through the check out line because of a prior appt concerning my wedding dress. Well after I left she put it back on the rack and didn't buy it!At the dressing room while getting ready for my "Big Day" she pulled out the yellow dress. I asked what happened to the one we picked out and you know what she said? She said she didn't like it so she was just gonna let "Delana" wear her prom dress for the wedding! Now that's just down right hateful!Needless to say, she was like that then and she's like that to this day towards me (when Michael's not around) She has opened up a few time's infront of my daughter in law Jessie. So at least I do have one person that has seen it. I'd still like to catch her on video though.Oh there is so many different things that she's done but I'll save them for another day. I have things to do today but maybe I will be able to write more after I'm done.