Hidden Truth

All of my life I have been one who keeps things locked in my mind. I do alot of thinking. For as long as I can remember, I have always been one to worry about what others think. No matter if my feelings are hurting to the point of an atomic bomb, I hold them in. Are any of you like that? It is definetely a problem in more ways then one. Why can't I just let go and blurt out my opinion?

I suppose in my own way it is a form of suicide. Can you imagine, a suicide that has lasted close to 50 years now. How much longer can this suicide last? Why am I so worried about what other people think of me? I am not only protecting those around me but I am protecting myself. It would be so much better if I could just stick my foot in my mouth instead of sitting on them.

Is it a type of love for others that causes me to be this way? Why can I write so much better then I can talk? I have alot to say about alot of things. Why do I insist of this very unreasonable form of torture? Why can't I just open up my mouth and let the words fly? Is it because I feel that what I think and feel is not important?

Well, I am really struggling to write the words that are going through my mind right now. I have started having my Chiari headaches again and I didn't think it was possible but I truly believe that they are worse then before. I was awaken in the middle of the night with one last night. It was so bad and so extreme that if I would of had a loaded gun handy then I would of ended it right then and there.

I am wondering if it damaged my brain in some way. Today I can't seem to stay focused on any one thought and it is scaring me. Other then only being focused on the pain in my back and legs I was feeling rather normal this morning except for the thought running in my head about my head.

Well, did what I just wrote scare any of you? I wrote that almost a week ago and as I read it just now I had to say that I didn't much care for it. In fact it worries me that when I am in THAT much pain that I really feel like that. I do have to be truthful to myself and admit that yes my pain "IS" that bad at times. I haven't really been honest with my husband over this because as always, I try to protect those I care about.

I feel much better today as my pain has lessened to the point where I can function as a halfway normal person so don't none of you worry. Just pray for me.

Let me write now of my current frustration. I am totally stuck as a rock in a hard place. Years ago while working at a worldwide motel chain as a housekeeper, I was injured. The boss had came around to us and informed us that he got a heads-up on a secret inspection. One of thwe things he told us to do is pull the beds away from the wall and make sure nothing had fallen back behind them because the inspectors were known to do that. He never said that we could team up or anything to get this done, we were all to do our rooms as fast as we possibly could and hopefully leave before they arrived. Well my youngest daughter for some reason didnt go to school that day and was with me so I had kind of a helper, at least to do the small things. NOT to help move a bed though. I was in a room that had a kingsize in it, I picked up the end and gave a jerk. The next thing I remember is a pop, a crack and I was on my knees moaning with pain.

My daughter April who was cleaning the sink at the time heard and seen everything and ran out the door to summon help. She had tears in her eyes to see me in such pain. If I remember right, she was in elementary at the time so she was young. Ok ok, I'll try to get to the point of thew story instead of writing all the details.

After doctor appts, tests, etc.... we ended up in court over the whole thing to make sure the medical bills were covered. I won a settlement, not as much as I should of but all medical bills are to be covered for the rest of my life for my back. When all this happened, we lived in Kentucky and I had no problem but now that I am in Michigan and having more and more problems with my back I wanted to get it looked at and taken care of. This is where I started having problem after problem.

I contacted my caseworker from the Workers Comp Insurance I am covered under and asked her help to locate a doctor I could go see. They sent me a list of 203 names. Well it took me awhile but I made those 203 phone calls and you know what I found? That each and every one either do not take that insurance anymore or they aren't excepting new patients.

I need to first find a primary caregiver then get a referral for a physician to tend to my back injury. I only need to see the primary doctor once. Just one time! Well that was a dead end as I told you earlier so I decided to go to the next step and try to find an orthopedic or neurologist then if I had to, I'd go to the local free clinic to get a referral but guess what. I got the same answer from each of those too. They will not take that form of insurance or no new patients.

I called my caseworker back and informed her of my findings. She told me that she'd talk to her superiors and call me back no later then the next morning. Guess what, this is day 3 since that phone call and I still haven't heard from her. That is why I am so frustrated! I cannot get anything done covered under my court ordered life long insurance and I am to the point where I think I might have to re-sue. If I sued each and everytime that I should of, I'd be living high off the hog you might say. Oh there's alot more to this story but it would take me at least a month of continual typing to fill you all in so scratch that idea.

Does anyone reading this have any ideas as to what I can do now? I have Coventry Workers Comp Insurance so if anyone knows of anyone in my area that takes this kind of insurance or can tell me what to do next, please, by all means tell me!