Friday, January 16, 2009

Emotions All Over the Place

  Yes, here I am once again. It has been a whole month since I wrote anything and that wasn't much.  My mind is going from one end to the other. I suppose it's due to the fact that I have been cooped in this apartment building for a year.

  Now the next thing is my opinion.  Let me make it clear that I am not in no way a racist although some of you might try to view it that way.  You might not like what I have to say but keep an open mind and think about it.

  I have noticed that at times I can become very ungiving and very judgemental on different subjects.  I am in no way a resemblance of my normal self.  I recognize it but it's like I just can't control it.

  To make a confession, with the new President getting ready to take over, I have alot of negative feelings  of the whole situation. Let me explain myself.  I am having a big problem with the fact that he claims to be African American. He has chucked aside the actual fact that he is half white. The way I look at it is he is more white then black. He was raised in a white home, he was carried inside a white mother for 9 months. I am not to clear of his parents as far as if they were married but I don't think they were. His father lived thousands of miles away so seen him seldom. Doesn't that qualify him as only being a sperm donor?

  He acts as if he is ashamed of his white heritage, you never hear him say that he is also white.  If he would of chose to marry a white woman then more then likely his children would of been white.  He should be honest and claim to be the first black/white President not African American. Is he ashamed of being white?

  The winter months  always seem to bring me down. I miss my family, my Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, and Cousins >>>> gone

  I grew up mostly living at places like ice rinks, roller rinks, swimming pool, bowling alley, I mean I was very out-going and very athletic. I miss it so very much.  I want so bad to do those things again but I am afraid that my physical body problems will not let me.  I have so many medical problems but I have no insurance so I live day after day living in pain and feeling totally useless.

  My children and their families are spread over 3 states. I want them, I need them. They are all I have left in this world.  I am depressed because I want so much to have my own house where they can come to visit and stay a few days.  I want us to be all together so it feels like family.  Does that make any sense?

  After having our own home in the past where I thought I'd live the rest of my life and having 3 very athletic children that always had me running here and there, to where I am at now.  Well I feel lost.  Do other people feel that way?

  I babysit my oldest grand daughter quite a bit but when she comes to grandma's it's not really grandma's. Where we live isn't even ours. She can't get the real feel of how it is to go to grandma's.  Does that make sense?  All of what her grandma really is, is in a storage unit.  It's been in there for so long that I can't even remember what we have.  In a sense, my 35 years of life have been locked up in a storage unit for 5 years now.

  I feel trapped, I feel like I have no control of my life.  I DON'T like this feeling!  I need the life my parents had but how do I get there?  I'm losing all hope that I will ever reach what I need most in my life.

  Michael and I had the opportunity of running our own delivery service all over the USA for close to 3 years.  We basically lived on the road in our truck but our brother in law, the one whom we bought the truck from kept putting off signing the title over to us and one night while everyone was sleeping, stole it. When he stole our truck, he stole our life.  Now we are left with no transportation and no way of making a living.  He owes us 8000.00 unless he gives our truck back.  We  don't want to have to go the legal route by taking him to court but right now we see no other way around it.  What really makes me upset is that he has all kinds of money coming in and he doesn't even need the truck, but he is the kind of person that needs to be in control of anything or anyone but he's not even in control of his own life.

  It seems like or actually is fact that all my life, people have been taking advantage of me. I am such a nice, laidback person that almost everyone that has ever been in my life has gotten over on me.  People make promises to me but rarely ever do what they say.  Do you know how that makes me feel?  It makes me feel like a nobody and in turn makes me wonder why I am even alive.

  I know in my mind that I am depressed, very depressed.  I have no interest in anything. All the things that I felt so deeply about in the past are gone. My physical needs or desires have diappeared, I am experiencing menopause symptoms very bad but nothing can be done about that or anything else because I don't have any health insurance.

  I don't think I ever really truly or completely grieved all my losses. My whole life basically went hell ever since we moved to Michigan and I lost my job at the Louisville UPS hub.  Back then I had a wonderful job, I had lost alot of weight and was physically toned, I had friends, I had a life with some sort of hope.  I don't even feel that I have hope anymore. If I do, it's not much.  There is so much that I hold inside because if I let it out, it would devistate some of the ones I love and hold dear.

  I am watching Dr Phil and there's a woman on there that is looking for a parental family to adopt her. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe if I could have a mom and a dad again, it would help to patch the hole I have in my life.  That gives me something to think about.  I'm too young to not have parents. I need to be able to be able to pick up the phone and talk to my mom and dad. So would you please help me by praying about this situation?  I need someone other then my husband to confide in, it's just normal to be able to call your mom when you hurt or have a problem.  My children need grandparents too.  I have a big void by not having my mommy and daddy.  I need to feel their arms around me, I need to hear them say I Love You.  It hurts so bad.

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