Friday, February 27, 2009

Time Marches On

If you've read my other posts then you know how I feel about Christmas. Well, I guess I just need to be honest to myself and to those closest to me. Christmas bothers me, I mean really bothers me but it doesn't end there although I wish so much that it did. Actually it's the whole winter season. Once, my favorite time of the year because of my love for ice skating and all but who knows why God chose to take such a wonderful time for me and totally turn it upside down is something I will never truly understand. But if I think about my life it really falls into the same ongoing cycle.

The only thing I've known for the majority of my life is hurt and pain. Ever since I can remember I have always had unexplained pains in my legs. Here I am almost 50 and I am still having to endure the same unexplained pains. Of course through the years I have added to the pain. You know back, knees, etc...

Getting back to winter time. Christmas unlocks the door to the new year and that is where in all starts. I am reminded time after time of those that are gone. Whether it be their birthday or the day they died, they come one by one as a marching army.

January isn't bad, I mean no dates jump out at me but once February comes along well here they come. February marks my Dad, Sister and Brothers birthdays. It also happens to be when my brother died. Then there's March. My Dad died in March. my mom's birthday and my parents anniversary. March also brings the birthday of my youngest, April and of course I can't forget my birthday.

Now April is in the air. Let's see, there's our oldest daughter Aimee and our son Michael's birthdays, mine and Michael's anniversary then....... my sister died. Also in there someplace is Easter.

Now can you see why I can't stand winter anymore? With all my aches and pains now the cold weather is definitely not my friend. Of course I am stuck living in one of the worst states for winter so I pretty much stick inside. That brings on the cabin fever and worse, depression.

You can believe me when I say that this year I am more depressed then I've ever been in my entire life. I hate it, it's awful. Day after day I sit in this apt, not having anywhere to go or do. I am so greatful that my daughter April lives up here in the cold country and brings our little granddaughter over for me to watch. Not too much but just enough.

For anyone who is not a grandparent cannot even come close to knowing how much joy those grand babies bring. They also have no idea just how bad it hurts to have grand babies that you aren't close enough to see. I have 4 that live in Kentucky and Georgia that I haven't been able to see in an awful long time. I have 2 that are so little that by the time I am able to visit them, they won't know who I am.

Now my older body is acting weird and I am in full blown menopause. Ladies, I pray that you don't experience what I am having to deal with. I can't get a good nights sleep because I constantly wake up 2 and 3 times in an hour in a full body sweat. I can no longer sleep in the same bed with my husband because the heat from his body or the touch of his hand throws me into another one. I'm lucky if I can get a good morning hug and kiss without serious consequences.

I am one person of many that don't have health insurance so I am unable to get any kind of relief. In fact I have many problems that need tending to but unless I go to an emergency room then I just continue to live in suffering. Maybe some day I will put trust in the medical profession but well.......Not Today!

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