Thursday, March 20, 2008

It's Another Day

Woke up this morning just to find out it's just another day. Actually I find myself in more pain then usual. It is a result of having one of my grandchildren over last night. Her she is, only 4 months old and I can't hold her for 3 minutes without experiencing back pain. Do you know how bad that sucks? I've waited all these years to have little ones in my life again and now I have 5 (so far) and because of the work I've done in the past, I can't have the kind of fun I was planning on having.
I know I'm getting older but I was really wany=ting to do things with my grandkids that I did with my kids when they were growing up. Things like helping the girls with thieir cheerleading acrobats, playing ball with the boys, you know just running around with them acting like a big overgrown kid. Well I guess that's out of the question now.
Wow, I just realized that I will be another year older, officially, next week. Yuck! Why can't we look back in oiur lives and just pick an age we liked and just stay there? Even that in itself would be a very hard choice to make. I can't believe I will be 49! yes, I said it, 49. It sounds so old doesn't it? I don't know how some people do it. You know, I wasn't even a teenager yet when my mom was the age I am now? How did she do it?
Oh well, life goes on. Better for some then others I now realize. There's something else I've had on my mind. My husband and I aren't bad people and we justy can't seem to get a break. Yet, we have some close relatives that waste money with drugs and it seems like they ae always coming into money. Not long ago, they received 40,000 dollars in a settlement and within just a couple months were broke again because they just basically threw it away on illegal substances. And here I am, with nothing. Do you know what all I could do with that much money? I cold pay my bills, relocate, invest. You know, get something good accomplished and have something to show for it. But no, money like that always seems to go to those that have no sense and throw it away like it's nothiong. I just don't understand it. We have always had to work very hard for the little bit of money we have and then thwere's people like that, that just don't give a damn that always seem to have money coming their way, it just basically gets handed to them. Isn't that the way it always seems to go?
In the past and really even now, we share what little we have with those around us. We always have and always will. If we have it to give, we give it. But when we are in the position of needing, there's nobody out there willing to give us a helping hand. Why can't someone out there just hand us over a good substancial amount of money that would help us out? Shoot, we don't even have a rich uncle out there that could give us money when he died. Yes I'm having a pity party. I feel I have a right to every once in awhile.
I guess I'm in a position right now, getting older and realizing that I have no idea what I'm going to do in the future. When I was growing up I always assumed that I'd marry, have kids, have my own house where all my kids and grandkids could come over to visit. I'd have birthday dinners for them like my mom did. But now find myself living with my mother in law and taking care of her. I have so security for farther down the road. I have no idea what so ever as to how I'm going to live or where money will come from.
If I could have what I wanted right now it would be to move to the south in a home of my own. Just a small house with alittle bit of land to have a garden and maybe some animals. Right now I can't even have a cat! I would have somewhere I could call home where I could live out the rest of my days and not have to worry. I don't want much, I don't need much. I am not a high maintanance person, never have been. Most people have parents or siblings that they can fall back on but I have none of that, they are gone. I'll tell you more about that at a later time. Maybe along with my feelings, I'll try to write my life's story so you can get to know me alittle better. Guess I'll stop for the time being. Hope to see you back here again soon.

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